The Best Race Ever

It is so funny to me how your expectations of something,pales in comparison to the real thing. That when you wake up, expecting to do one thing.. and then something even better happens..This morning,as I was getting ready to compete my hardest and fastest in my first 10K race,my course changed.
My daughter, Regan, who was running in the 5K portion, lost her partner for unforeseen reasons. Regan was very distressed, as she had never run a race before, and was expecting, needing, and excited about running this race with her Aunt. But, as we know, stuff happens, plans change, and there was no way she could run with Regan. Regan had to make a decision. To run the race without her partner, or not run in the race at all.
At first, when she heard the news, she was sad and confused as to what she was going to do. She wanted to complete her race that she had been training for., but she does not like change. I could tell she was agonizing over her decision, but I also knew it had to be her own.
She decided she would do the run. As she got ready, there were tears, from her being afraid of doing this race alone. So, after much discussion,Regan and I decided to do the first 3 miles together, and that I would do my last 3miles on my own. This still bothered her, as she didn't want me to mess up my time, she wanted me to do my best race..and to be honest I was worried about that too! However, I convinced her that we would do it together, and everything would work out.
Regan and I started the race, and as we came upon the crossroads to go the 5k route or the 10K route, she choose to go with me. She took the longer, harder route.
At around 2 miles, we hit dirt road, and she began to get a bleeding blister on the back of her right foot, she was struggling. We walked, we ran, she cried.. I thought it was about her blister, but it wasn't, she was crying for me. She felt she was holding me back,she wasn't thinking of herself, she was worrying that I was not having the race that I had anticipated.. I stared at her in amazement.I was worried about my time too, not her foot, and I thought that was what she was crying about. Man, it really sucks when your own child embarrasses you,shames you from your own self centeredness..At that moment my daughter became the teacher and I the student, What an incredible young woman... Regan taught me so much today.She humbles me. She taught me that ..
1.Its your race.. you choose to run..
2.You may go faster alone, but you can go further together
3.When you are hurting, put someone else's feelings first, and you don't feel so bad about yourself.
4.In life.. things happen.. its your choice that decides who you are,not the circumstance.
5.Finish your race...
Regan was in so much pain at the 3rd mile.. I had her go straight, while I turned right. She finished her four miles well, she finished strong. Her grandfather would have been proud! I got to the finish line, and she was waiting with my brother.. We were so happy.. I cried.. she cried.. this time tears of joy. Tears for my father.. Tears for how proud I am of my daughter..MY daughter.. My daughter.. I have never been so blessed and proud in that moment.
Yeah, waking up this morning , I was not expecting the race I ran.. my time was terrible, but I had the best race that I could have ever hoped for! My father would have been proud of me..
Racing is not always about the win,or your time, its about the journey along the way.

Runner's Classic

I am running in a race on Sunday. Its extra special for me for two reasons. One it is in honor of my father, as his b-day is on Nov.26th, and he loved to run. The other reason is, that I am doing this race with one of my best friends, my big brother.
He surprised me with coming to Orlando and signed us both up for this race to honor our father. It will be my first 10k, and it really helped to push me into my next step with running.
I no longer am running to live, I am now living to run. I think somewhere between the 4th and 6th mile, I settled into a "runner" status. I understand more of why my dad ran for so many years. It is no longer something I do to just stay in shape, it is my escape from everything else that is around me. Something really happens, as I get passed that 2nd mile, and I relax into my cadence that will carry me the rest of the way. Being outside, putting miles behind me, and looking forward to the finish. Feeling alive in that moment, when my whole body comes to life,and every nerve ending is awakened, whether its the aching in my left foot, the pounding of my heart, or my chest heaving, trying to catch my next breath, as I push through it all. In that moment, I feel so alive, and so aware of my own body.
This must have been the reason that my father endured so many miles on foot, gone through so many running shoes, and completed so many marathons. He must have known the secret that so few discover, because they stop or give up at the mile, that it would take them to get to the next level. Too few miles and you never experience the "runner's high", that so many talk about. Giving up too soon and you will miss possibilities, opportunities, and experiences that you can only gain through running.
My father must have known, that in order to really live, you will have to experience pain, exhaustion, exhilaration,and liberation. Being a runner means blisters, cramps, scraps and bruises along the journey, it is inevitable. My father was not a spectator, he was in the race. He lived his life like a run, mapping out his course, planning his race, getting sidetracked at times and even lost. But, he kept moving forward, sometimes slow and steady keeping the pace, and sometimes in a sprint. He lead the pack, and at times rested in the middle.He ran hard, he ran fast, he ran with dedication and perseverance. He finished his race.He finished it well.
This Sunday, I will run for my father,I will run on purpose,for a purpose. This Sunday, I become a "runner", I will follow in my father's footsteps, his legacy will live in me and through me.

TIME

TIME, its something I have so little of and yet, so much of it, all at the same TIME!
I find myself trying to finish one thing, so that I don't miss the next thing, all at the same TIME.
I find that in order to enjoy this thing, I can't fully engage in that thing, all at at the same TIME.
I feel that its going by so fast, and yet there are days that drag so slowly, all at the same TIME!
My kids are so grown up, and then do something that shows their real age, all at the same TIME!
My life is so full, and then some days feel so empty, all at the same TIME!
I am trying to manage my house, my kids, my husband, my training, my bills,my calender all at the same TIME!
I have a hundred things to do, and nothing to do, all at the same TIME!
I can feel so proud of my accomplishments, and then so dissapointed in my actions, all at the same TIME!
I can be really sweet, and then really mean, all at the same TIME!
I can praise God, then curse the eggplant driver that just cut me off, all at the same TIME!
Its my curse, and its my blessing, all at the same TIME!

Holding Pattern

I am starting to feel like an impostor on my own blog. Yes, I am still a pilot's wife, however with Bob's new job, he is home so much, it seems more like he retired! Don't get me wrong, I love that he is home more.. its just way more! He went from being gone about 25 days a month to being home 25 days a month!(okay maybe not 25 but at least 18-20). Its been an adjustment on both our parts. He is learning that life at home is chaotic,and messy,he doesn't get his meals on time,he has no control over the remote,and his laundry isn't delivered!I am also learning that I didn't mind having a husband that was gone that much.. JK.. or am I?
I always wondered what it would be like to have a "normal" family life. When women asked how I handled him being gone all the time, I would joke and say "how do you handle him being home all the time?! well,now I have an answer to both questions!
Bob is able to coach basketball for Nolan, take Regan to her Father-daughter dance, get up for late night feedings with Liam, and we have even been able to plan a romantic night out.
It feels like we are in a different season in our life, our career, and our marriage.Its exciting and scary at the same time, sometimes it feels like we are in a holding pattern, going around in circles,trying to find where we are supposed to land. But,we know that as long as we continue to stay on course we will find the runway lit up for a safe landing.

Its raining, its pouring

My best friend and I are training for our next triathlon in Sept. We each decided at the start of our training what our goals for this next race would be, and our reason for competing. I think if you don't have a clear goal, when training gets hard(and it will) or when it gets tough(and it does) you lose your focus on why you are doing it in the first place and may give up. So for this race, her goal is to be able to run(no stopping) the 5k, and mine is to shave off two minutes of my swim. They may seem simple, but it takes time and dedication to accomplish these goals.
We are on a strict running schedule with her,because she has never run before,(the last race, she walked the run), and so we can not afford to miss one of our running sessions.
Sunday night, we left a little earlier than usual, trying to get finished before the rain, and well, that didn't work. Half way through our run, a huge thunderstorm came on us. It was not a light sprinkle, the wind was blowing, the thunder booming, and the rain was coming down so hard you could barley see. At one point we were going to just stop, quit and pick it up another time. However, we realized what if this happens in our race,we would have to make a decsion, there are no take backs,so would we just give up, not finish, stop 2/3Rd's of the way through the triathlon? No, we wouldn't.We would press forward. So that is what we did. We ran through that thunderstorm, we were soaked, our clothes weighed an extra two pounds, but still we ran. We laughed,and thought how crazy we must have looked! At one turn the rain would let up a few seconds and then.. bam.., it would pour over us again. It was fun, and thrilling, we ran faster than we had before. We finished our task at hand.
Training is so unpredictable, it has so many variables, such as the weather, what you ate, what you drank, your soreness, rest, clothes, shoes etc. But if you let those things stop you,or hinder your training you may never finish your task. When it rained on us, I thought, this is life, sometimes everything is sunshine and at those times its easy to stay focused and train,that's the easy days.Its the times when it rains and pours that build your character. It's in those times, that you have a choice to make. You can stay the course, push through and finish it, or you can give up and quit. It is at these times that help define who we are, and what we are made of. It is in these times, that we must complete our race, we can not afford to give up on our goal or ourselves. Finishing the race is the goal,finishing it well is the prize.
I hope it rains again tomorrow.

Insecurity

I don't really know when all my insecurities began. I try to sit back and think about it, but its mostly a blur. It seems my whole life there was just one or more of them always there, invading my thoughts, my life, my behavior. I know that these past few years I have worked really hard through some of them, but the most deep ones, are still there. On my good days they are nonexistent, but still waiting in the crevices of my dark places to jump out at a moments notice. I guess I am bringing this up because I saw this book at the store, and it caught my eye. The title is ,So Long Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us, by Beth Moore, of course I picked it up,read the back, and the first line is, you considered this book because you saw the word insecurity! Yes, I am a victim, as thousands of women are, from some sort or many sorts of insecurities and as a mother of a young daughter, I want to avoid possibly handing down my baggage to her.
I think one of my biggest insecurities comes from my body image. I have this warped idea of how I am supposed to look. Sure,I could blame it on the media, but this began back in the late 70's and I wasn't really watching much TV then.
I can remember my grandmother always making references to my body weight, size, or appearance. I was never allowed second helpings at her house, and to this day I still wondered why I was never allowed the "pretty" plate. It was a cheap white plate, with flowers all around the edges, nothing special and now you could probably buy it at the dollar store, but to a 7 yr. old, it was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. The plate was never offered to me, and when I requested it,I was denied, leaving me heartbroken and feeling not good enough, or "pretty" enough or something enough to be allowed one serving on this plate.Its amazing a cheap plate is all it takes to make one feel no self worth. I think that is when this whole thing started, This road of self destruction and my quest for the "perfect" body.
Growing up, I tried all sorts of quick fixes. It was really hard to measure up,anything I did never seemed to be "enough". I tried all the diets, the pills, even starving myself, to obsessing over exercise. Temporarily, it would work, but then something would happen ie, boyfriend break-up, fight with a parent, or friend, and I would once again be back to where I was when I started.
Honestly, until two years ago, I didn't have a handle on being healthy. When I began training for my first triathlon, I began healing. I can't explain how it cleansed me. The ironic thing is, all the training was transforming the outside of my body, but the real healing was taking place on the inside. I write this, because I believe all women have a hang up about their looks or body. It can become paralyzing, a handicap if you allow it to take over your life. We, as women, begin to judge one another based on our size, instead of on our hearts. We begin to measure our self worth based on our waist size, we began to believe that our beauty is on the outside, we put ourselves in unhealthy relationships, and live unhealthy lives.I am still trying to figure it out, not let my daughter catch my too often on the scale,learning to take a compliment and just say thank you, not follow it up with something negative about my body and to not obsess over these last few, okay 10 pounds ,that I need to lose. Our daughters are watching, our neices are watching us.I am not saying its bad to improve you health,by exercising and eating healthy, I applaud all women any shape or size for taking control of their lives.I am saying we need to get a handle on who we are doing it for, and why we are doing it. Its still a struggle for me, but I know that one day I will finally see myself in the mirror, as Christ See's me, A Beautiful Daughter of the king.
This book says insecurities are curable,I am trying hard not to skip to the end, so until then I will continue healing the only way I know how, by training for my next triathlon in September,so that I can contine to strengthen my body so that I may have the strength to face life, and life, no matter how well lived, is hard.

I'm Back..

Wow! 2010, really came in roaring. It is the middle of April and I am just feeling like I am getting my barings back! Well, First, Liam, decided to make his appearance two weeks early at 3am in the morning! I thought I had peed the bed, but no my water broke and off to the hospital to meet our little man 2 hours later!
Next, at the end of February, Bob got a new job. Yes, still in the aviation field. The best thing about the job is he is able to be home more! The worst part of the job, he is home more! LOL , No, seriously,it was a great opportunity for us, as a family. Next, as we were getting settled in to our routine, Regan broke her ankle in three places! So between her and Liam, we seem to always be at a dr. appt every week.
Finally,in the middle of April , we are back on track!
Homeschooling is going well, although, we have to make lots of adjustments. Bob's new job is in full swing. And Regan is managing to get around on crutches. I have even been able to get back to the gym the last two weeks!
Bob has been reminding me continuousle that I haven't written in a long time.( He is my biggest fan!) So, although I am gonna try to write more reguarly, I can't make any promises, because life is hapening at the Gary's and its new every day!