Stuck in the Middle

      Yesterday, I snuck off with my son,Nolan, to spend the day at Disney! We left the little ,and the Captain at home! It was such a different experience going without a stroller, a backpack, and extra clothes etc. I had wanted to spend time alone with Nolan . I know that at 11 yrs old, its still okay to hang out with your mom, but the time will come when those days are few and far between.I want to embrace the few years I have left!
     It was fun to spend some quality, one on one time with him. Sometimes, well most of the time, our life is so busy, and I know that if I don't make it a point to spend time with each of my children individually, it will not happen. When you have a little brother (4) and a big sister(16), the days and events we do as a family can get dictated by them. Yesterday, I wanted Nolan to be able to control the events of the day, and get to do all the things we put off doing( the things he wants) when we go to the parks. Sometimes, its so unfair  to be stuck in the middle ! He gets juggled in-between, teenage drama and little brother meltdowns! He handles it well, but I know that occasionally, he can feel the burden of being stuck in the middle. I try to be sensitive about it,and aware of it, however I have to constantly be conscience of it.
       I enjoyed my day with him, so much! I got to actually see a hint of what his behavior will be like when he goes on his first date. But more importantly, I got to witness the young man he is growing into.  All day I he kept reminding me of someone. The thought plagued the back of my head. He was attentive, opened doors, carried our food trays, and he didn't  monopolize the conversation. He asked me questions, and was interested in my answers. When I told him it was his day, we would do whatever he wanted, he promptly corrected me, and told me it was our day, and we both get to pick things we want to do! He even held my hand as we were walking through the parks! yes,tears have just formed in my eyes.. As the day came to a close, I knew without a doubt who he reminded me of... his father.
     You see our sons, are watching their dads.They pay attention to the way they treat their mothers.Nolan sees the way the Captain treats me, he  listens to the way the Captain talks to me, and he witness' how openly the Captain loves me. The Captain has taught Nolan many things, but the most important one, is what it really means to be a Godly man, and the Captain only uses words when necessary.
     Our sons will choose wives' that reflect the women that they have been around their whole lives. So, Mothers' be the kind of woman you want your son to marry, set the bar high ,so that he chooses well. Our sons will  want to be the kind of men they have seen as a child. So, Fathers' be the man that you want your sons to become. When you treat your wives with love, honor and respect, you have raised a man who will have a successful marriage, and understand one of their roles as a husband.
      I am so proud of the young man Nolan is growing up to be, and I am more proud of the man he is to become, because I know without a doubt, he has had one of the best role models around.

Second TRImester training

 I am coming to the end of my first month in my second TRImester! Time is moving quickly, only 5 months til go time! In the first three months , I'll admit I was flying by the seat of my pants. In the beginning it took sometimes hours for me to encourage myself to get that  run, swim or bike in. Many days I tried to find an excuse. I allowed my negative thoughts to creep in, I mean What the hell was I thinking? I am not by nature an athlete, I have to fight for it , every single day, it does not come easy for me. I feel like I have to push harder, work harder, and practice more, than other women. or maybe I don't. I sometimes put so much pressure on myself, that I have to remind myself to get out of my own way. The first few months were rough, my body fought me for awhile, but I kept training. I had people with negative comments, looks, I kept going. I did develop an injury in both my feet towards the end, and have had to take off two weeks of running(which is terrible for me, because as much as running is my solitude it is also my nemesis!) But I pushed myself with my swimming, and biking.
     And then something switched, something in my body turned on. Now going into this second Trimester, it has become much easier. Instead of excuses not to train, I make my schedule around my training. Once  dreading one workout a day, I have begun two a days! I am no longer trying to get out of my training days however, now I try to find reasons to train during rest days. My body was fighting me, now my body seems to be catapulting me forward.  I can feel my body getting stronger every day, and I love the new muscles that are forming! My legs, once too skinny, are actually becoming muscular. ! But, the most important part is, I am having so much fun!  Did I say that? Yes, I am having the best time training for this race.
     I have joined a swimming group, which has really helped me improve not only my distance, but my strokes and speed too. I am faithfully getting to my spin classes,(  the Captain also joins me,when in town). I have been getting more time outside on my bike, so getting in and out of those clips are becoming easier. I was able to start back running this week, and I was surprised that even though I had to take a break, I am not that far off from where I left off!
     I am still battling the "mommy guilt" of having to leave the kids more often,or drag them to the gym constantly, and needing to lean on Regan when the Captain is out of town! But, I am trying to let that go, if its possible. I keep reminding myself that my kids are fine,and they are learning a lot during this whole process too.
     The training schedule is more intense than I thought it would be, however manageable. I was able to go watch the 1/2 iron Florida this past week, and support my friend as she completed her second one. It was a great experience, and gave me more knowledge about race day. I also feel more confident in my ability to not just  finish the race, but be a contender as well! So, now when someone asks me," Why are you doing this?" I look at them and reply, " Its not why am I doing this..Its why aren't you?"


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Sweet 16

     This past month, I have been planning my daughters sweet 16. It has been such an emotional time for me. I don't know why, but her turning 16 has been harder on me than when I turned 40! It has taken me a bit by surprise, actually. Maybe its the fact that I have been scouring through old pictures, trying to find the perfect one for her bday invite, and in doing so, I have come across a snap shot of her life.It has gone by so fast. Or maybe its because she is my oldest child, my only daughter. Or simply, the older I get, it seems the easier I cry. It really could be any of these things. All I know is that I can't help but feel this bday is bittersweet.
     I can remember the day when the Captain taught her to ride her bike. I can still hear her screaming, "Don't let go Daddy, not until I am ready!" and I knew he would hang on, "I got you baby girl, I won't." and yet, that was a lie. She wasn't ever really going to be ready, but when he felt she was, without her even knowing, he took his hand away from the seat. Sometimes you have to believe in your child, before they can start believing in themselves. She flew past us,smiling, laughing ,the wind in her hair "Look I'm doing it all by myself!", and just as quickly as her excitement rose, off she toppled to one side skinning her knees, her elbows, her face,"I told you I wasn't ready!" screaming through the tears. In a split second we went from her hero's to zero's!

We ran towards her, checked her over, and once the tears dried, "Do you want to try again?" We can see her contemplating it. This is the moment when you get a glimpse of what your child is going to be like in their future self. Will she let her pride stop her,  or will she push towards her goal? Will she  manipulate the drama to her advantage? We wait. She doesn't smile, a simple "Yes, I can do it." she stood ready for more. It would take her five more tries, more scrapes, more bruises, but when she finally did it, she would wear those scars proudly! Fast forward ... now,we are teaching her to drive.

      As I look back onto her life, I can't recall an age or stage that I have not truly enjoyed. She has brought so much joy, love and laughter into my life. My daughter has taught me about myself, my limits and my courage. She has shaped me into the woman I was called to be. She humbles me,strengthens me, and encourages me to be a better person. She challenges me, tests me, and sometimes enrages me. My daughter gave me something to fight for, her. 

     As she continues to grow into the woman she is to become,and time continues to speed by, I daydream about all the possibilities, and opportunities that await her. I have no fear of the path she will choose, opportunities she will take, or challenges she will face. Because, along the way we will be holding on to the back of the seat, and we wont let go until we know that she is ready. And then we will watch her fly,with the wind in her hair, smiling and laughing, grabbing on to her dreams,wherever they may take her.

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9 Months.. 3 TRImesters

 I have 9 months before my half iron man race, its like being impregnated with half iron man training! I will look at this training in trimesters,which is fitting because, the half iron man is a triathlon! So,for the first three months of training (Jan-March) I know what I should expect(kinda). There already has been a range of emotions from excitement to what the heck was I thinking?? There has already been a few times I have actually puked, from training. Ok,so I didn't exactly puke, but continuous dry heaves are much worse! And I know people can look at me and think is she or isn't she... training for a race? Because,really at this point my body hasn't made any significant changes,so people can only guess. My level of exhaustion has increased due to the fact that I am doing more training. My appetite has even increased, like I'm eating for two! This first trimester is going to be a time for getting used to my new schedule, my new clips(I already have visible injuries ),  changing my eating habits, taking better vitamins, and getting much needed sleep. Whew, did I miss anything? Oh yeah, my boobs... well, those haven't changed much,but here's hoping! haha
  During my second trimester (April-June),which was by far my favorite trimester in all three of my pregnancies,I know my energy will  return. As my body becomes accustomed to my training, it will  actually start to crave it. People will begin to see the changes in my body, as it grows more defined and strong. They will start to be bolder with asking me questions like, Are you training for... and then once I say yes, they will be only too eager to share with me all of their own stories of races past, and training schedules!I will probably start to look for my new tri outfit, and be able to eat guilt free, because of my training schedule.I will also see the exhaustion subside, because I will be getting well deserved rest.Less accidents on my bike, because, I will be used to the clips. I will start swimming in the open water, without the fear of drowning., and I will be doing shorter races for practice.
     My last trimester(July-Sept) I will actually break up into two 6 weeks.The first part of this trimester I will be starting to anticipate the race. I will be using this time to make sure my hotel is secure,buy new shoes if needed to break them in, checking my equipment, and doing the last of the long bricks. I will start to see that the end is near. However, by that last 6 weeks, I will be ready for this race to come so that I can complete it. I will be tired of hearing everyone else's stories and want to have one of my own. I will start getting scared, and having doubts about whether I made the right choice. I will start to wonder if I  will be any good at it.All of these mixed emotions, with anticipation for race day. I will  want to get back to a "normal" routine, eat the pizza, drink a beer!I will be over getting up early for a swim, while everyone is sleeping. Biking in my living room long after the little's have gone to bed. Even running the same route will become mundane,I will just want it to be over!
     And then the "BIG DAY" will arrive! All my hard work, all my sacrifices, all the long hours of training will be on autopilot. During the race there will be tears of joy, and tears of pain.There will be moments when I want to give up from pure exhaustion.There will be thoughts in my head .. Why? I will be reminding myself never to do something like this again! I will be cussing at the Captain, for even encouraging me ... and then after hours of racing, I will cross that  finish line! They will call my name and  I will  know.. IT was all worth it!.. I will  look down at that beautiful medal, representing all that I have accomplished, and in an instant, I will  forget all about the sweat, the tears and the pain.  I will only remember the feeling of finishing my race, and I will  turn to the Captain and say... SO... "When's the next One?!"
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It's not 1/2 bad!

      The new year has begun, and I am ready to start working on one of my goals. You see, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, I believe in goals.
      This year will be my year of the 1/2.. I am not talking about a 1/2 marathon, I'm talking about the 1/2 iron man! Yes, its out of my comfort zone, a little irresponsible, and a tad bit risky,  yet, I have been contemplating this for two years. I have competed in road races, 5k, 10k , and 1/2 marathons. I have participated in triathlons and a mud race(Tough Mudder), but nothing will quite compare to this. This is a race that is a 1.2 mile open water swim, 56 mile bike, and 13.1 mile run (70.3 mile race!) This will be a race, that I will only have 9 months to train .
       However, for most people, dreams are just that "dreams", some fairy tale that they wish for, imagine, but never pursue. For me,turning my dream into a reality, makes it my goal. That is the difference.  Goals are supposed to be a little crazy, a little far out of your reach, even a little silly. It's something that excites you, scares you and exhilarates you all at the same time. I think a goal should be something that requires commitment, of your time and energy. A goal should be risky, but attainable. It should be something that engages your whole body, mind and spirit.It should teach you, reach you and challenge you. It requires faith. Goals, keep us alive, they give us something to strive for,something to believe in (mostly ourselves) and something to anticipate. Goals will take all of your courage, your strength, and  your passion. It is life. I think without  goals in our lives, we fail to see what we are fully capable of, and created for. Usually, when someone has a goal, its never just about the goal itself, it becomes about the experience, the journey,and  the lessons along the way. For me its about having hope, defying doubt, and pursuing life head on.
     I've already been asked,"Why, would you want to do that?", and I think with goals, you don't always have to have the answers,you don't always have to know the outcome, you don't always have to understand the reason, after all that is part of the appeal. I think you you have to hold onto the reason that you started, but, I think you also figure out all the reasons that you weren't even aware of along the way.
     I will have to stay focused, and motivated for 9 months,when the excitement of training wains, the monotony of running the same course, swimming the same lengths, and biking the same route become boring, (and they will) I will stay committed. Part of my process will be to stay in it, even when I want to quit, or give up, when I start doubting myself, my body, even my goal( and I will). I will continue, in spite of it all, because those are the moments  when you truly find out who you are, what you stand for,what your made of, and more importantly, that is where you will find yourself. 
Today, 9 months seems like a life time away, and yet it seems like tomorrow, all at the same time.  I probably won't win, okay most definitely, but that isn't my goal. (that would be a dream:) Right now in  my life, it is to compete in the race, complete the race and cross the finish line.My dream-turned reality,became my goal, and that's not half-bad!

Voices Carry

  I recently lost my voice for about five days. I think when it first happened my family was secretly happy! I am not going to lie, I am the loud mouth in the family. Needless to say, when this happened some in my family would call it a small blessing! It was actually quite reveling to me about how I talk, my tone, my volume and even the importance of things I say. At times it was frustrating, but I learned to just go with it, drink lots of hot tea, and frankly enjoy it!

So here are a few things I learned, while this loud mouth had no voice:)
1. The quieter I talked, the more people around me wanted to listen.
2. I had to prioritize what I really needed to say.
3. I spoke less,and listened more.
4. The less I spoke, the more people wanted to tell me all their business.
5. The less I spoke the more observant I became.
6. When I did speak, people wanted to hear what I had to say.
7. I did not waste my words on inconsequential conversations.
8. My kids opened up more about what was going on in their lives.
9. I prayed more, read more, and was on my phone less.
And
10. Actions really do speak louder than words!
     I am so grateful to have my voice back. Although, I really was able to reflect on some improvements that I can make.Sometimes, you have to lose something, in order to learn from it.

Running Forward

I can tell my blog has taken a turn here lately. I guess because, I am changing too. I feel like my writing this year is becoming more about my self discovery, or self awareness. I was told once that when you turn "40" , you start to look at your life differently. Well, 40 came and went, and I  honestly didn't see any big changes, however,now on the brink of "43" , I am starting to understand.
  Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love the choices that I have made, and I have few regrets. When I reflect on myself, I am not trying to reinvent me, heck, it took me until 40 to even like me! I guess I am looking at my self and remembering who I am without all the labels that I have acquired over the years.I am trying to find my balance of where it is I belong.
 In order for me to really start down this road, I guess I had to look at where it was I came from in the first place. Let me tell you now, this is a love story of sorts, not a pity party!
 I now recognize that I grew up in a very unhealthy, dysfunctional environment, but who hasn't, right? When I look back on my life( my younger years) the ones that helped shape me, my personality, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my brokenness, I feel sadness that so much of those things that should be every child's right, was taken away from me at such an early age. I don't write these things out of self pity, I write them to remind myself that I have come so far, and through it all have become more secure, stronger and have such joy in my life. I am not where I need to be, but I am not even close to where I was!
  Eight years ago, I started to run,do triathlons, and half- marathons, etc. I began to use exercise as a way of healing, away of cleansing my past. I put everything into my kids, the Captain, and unbeknownst to them, I expected them to heal me, fix me, make me whole. It was a poor attempt to feel completeness. I think if we are all honest, we are all "broken" in some ways. I used exercise and my family to fix me. What are you using?
I now know that  God is the only thing that can heal me. Yes, I  believe He used exercise as a vessel to help me move past the pain, and I believe, He put the Captain in my life as a blessing, to allow me a glimpse of what beauty looks like, in a world that can be so ugly. He gave me my children as a gift, to enjoy, love and be loved. These are all things that He chose for me to help me start the healing process, but it couldn't be complete unless, I accepted Him. I was told once that when someone asks you '"What does it feel like to accept Christ or be baptized?", the answer is ," It feels like a Monday." Because, the truth is healing and growing,even with Christ, doesn't happen overnight, sometimes the scars run too deep, there is no "quick" fix, or magic pill. You still have to do the work, but now you don't do it alone!
I think the training for me, has been a way for me to remind myself, that I am strong, I am no longer that little girl with no voice. However, its not enough for just my body to become strong, I have to remain strong in my faith. An injury could happen, an accident and I wouldn't be able to compete any longer, but my relationship with Christ will sustain me. My children will grow up and begin their life, but Christ will never leave me. My husband, God forbid, could pass away tomorrow, and I will still be a Bride of Christ.
You see, He uses whatever means he needs to teach us about Him, life and most importantly ourselves. Running is a gift. Every mile I have logged, I have learned something, about my life or about myself. He blesses, He heals,He restores.
I realize now that when I first started running, I used it to run away from my past, but now as I am putting back those pieces, I run only toward my future.