Voices Carry

  I recently lost my voice for about five days. I think when it first happened my family was secretly happy! I am not going to lie, I am the loud mouth in the family. Needless to say, when this happened some in my family would call it a small blessing! It was actually quite reveling to me about how I talk, my tone, my volume and even the importance of things I say. At times it was frustrating, but I learned to just go with it, drink lots of hot tea, and frankly enjoy it!

So here are a few things I learned, while this loud mouth had no voice:)
1. The quieter I talked, the more people around me wanted to listen.
2. I had to prioritize what I really needed to say.
3. I spoke less,and listened more.
4. The less I spoke, the more people wanted to tell me all their business.
5. The less I spoke the more observant I became.
6. When I did speak, people wanted to hear what I had to say.
7. I did not waste my words on inconsequential conversations.
8. My kids opened up more about what was going on in their lives.
9. I prayed more, read more, and was on my phone less.
And
10. Actions really do speak louder than words!
     I am so grateful to have my voice back. Although, I really was able to reflect on some improvements that I can make.Sometimes, you have to lose something, in order to learn from it.

Running Forward

I can tell my blog has taken a turn here lately. I guess because, I am changing too. I feel like my writing this year is becoming more about my self discovery, or self awareness. I was told once that when you turn "40" , you start to look at your life differently. Well, 40 came and went, and I  honestly didn't see any big changes, however,now on the brink of "43" , I am starting to understand.
  Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love the choices that I have made, and I have few regrets. When I reflect on myself, I am not trying to reinvent me, heck, it took me until 40 to even like me! I guess I am looking at my self and remembering who I am without all the labels that I have acquired over the years.I am trying to find my balance of where it is I belong.
 In order for me to really start down this road, I guess I had to look at where it was I came from in the first place. Let me tell you now, this is a love story of sorts, not a pity party!
 I now recognize that I grew up in a very unhealthy, dysfunctional environment, but who hasn't, right? When I look back on my life( my younger years) the ones that helped shape me, my personality, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my brokenness, I feel sadness that so much of those things that should be every child's right, was taken away from me at such an early age. I don't write these things out of self pity, I write them to remind myself that I have come so far, and through it all have become more secure, stronger and have such joy in my life. I am not where I need to be, but I am not even close to where I was!
  Eight years ago, I started to run,do triathlons, and half- marathons, etc. I began to use exercise as a way of healing, away of cleansing my past. I put everything into my kids, the Captain, and unbeknownst to them, I expected them to heal me, fix me, make me whole. It was a poor attempt to feel completeness. I think if we are all honest, we are all "broken" in some ways. I used exercise and my family to fix me. What are you using?
I now know that  God is the only thing that can heal me. Yes, I  believe He used exercise as a vessel to help me move past the pain, and I believe, He put the Captain in my life as a blessing, to allow me a glimpse of what beauty looks like, in a world that can be so ugly. He gave me my children as a gift, to enjoy, love and be loved. These are all things that He chose for me to help me start the healing process, but it couldn't be complete unless, I accepted Him. I was told once that when someone asks you '"What does it feel like to accept Christ or be baptized?", the answer is ," It feels like a Monday." Because, the truth is healing and growing,even with Christ, doesn't happen overnight, sometimes the scars run too deep, there is no "quick" fix, or magic pill. You still have to do the work, but now you don't do it alone!
I think the training for me, has been a way for me to remind myself, that I am strong, I am no longer that little girl with no voice. However, its not enough for just my body to become strong, I have to remain strong in my faith. An injury could happen, an accident and I wouldn't be able to compete any longer, but my relationship with Christ will sustain me. My children will grow up and begin their life, but Christ will never leave me. My husband, God forbid, could pass away tomorrow, and I will still be a Bride of Christ.
You see, He uses whatever means he needs to teach us about Him, life and most importantly ourselves. Running is a gift. Every mile I have logged, I have learned something, about my life or about myself. He blesses, He heals,He restores.
I realize now that when I first started running, I used it to run away from my past, but now as I am putting back those pieces, I run only toward my future.

Coming Home!

      I am anxiously waiting to go to the airport to pick up Regan. She had  a great experience spending  time with her Aunt and cousins. Writing music,seeing the sights and learning about the city.. I believe she has found her first love, Nashville!
      Although, it was so hard to let her go, and yes, I did cry a few nights, I survived, not that I am in any hurry for her to leave again!  Regan did great, she is going to be fine.She is a brave, independent young lady, who has some courageous ideas for her life,and I applaud her!
     As always with my children, I feel like everything I do or give them is a learning experience for them,and as always, I am usually the one being taught! I know it was harder for me to let her go, than for most parents. I won't deny that I keep my kids close to me, and to home. After growing up in the environment that I did, I probably have become too overprotective,wanting to shield them from any harm or pain.I am learning that this is an impossible task, even for me. I will not always be with them, to help them make good decisions, or keep them from harm. All I can do is give them the tools and resources that they need, along with all of my love and support.
    Letting Regan go on this trip was a big step for...... Me. I have learned a lot about myself this past week. I am stronger than I think,when it comes to my children. This trip helped me to become aware that they will all be growing up and moving out. It made me think about how important it is for me to continue to have an independent identity of myself. I don't want to wake up one day , my kids out of the house, and then wonder what is left for me. I LOVE my kids, however, I was a woman,and a wife first. And guess what? I will still be a woman and a wife last!
     As mother's we throw ourselves into raising our children, we place their needs, wants and desires above our own. We sometimes even place them above our spouses'! I understand now the importance of cultivating my relationship with my husband, and finding interests of my own. As parents we need to remember that time goes so fast, and our children do not belong to us.We only have a short amount of time to prepare, train and influence them for their lives. If we  have done our jobs right, they will  leave, build lives, have careers and start families of their own! For so long I have dwelled on the fact that they will "leave" me, when in reality, that's a selfish burden to place on them for growing up!  I need to keep it into perspective. They are not "leaving" me, they are leaving their childhood behind to become adults. It took me this week to recognize the difference. I now know that I was never really afraid for them to leave home, I was afraid of what my future looked like without them. I wonder how many other mother's feel this way?
    So, where does that leave a mother who has dedicated her life to her children? If I am not careful, I will not know where I belong. I will not know how to face that season of my life. I have learned this week, that I need to start exploring and doing some preparing of my own. I need to look at my life, and reflect on what I want for myself in the next 10 years, as my children become adults. I need to find that "me", that was "me" before "them". I need to continue to grow, towards the woman that I am to become, not when they leave, but while they are still here. I am not going to wait for the last one to leave,I am going to start now, so that  when they do leave, I will be ready to help them pack!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

      I just took my baby girl to the airport to go on her first trip to see her aunt and cousins. Its the first time she has ever been on an airplane by herself, and it is the first time she has ever been away from home, and more importantly, from me!
     My family has been asking me for a long time to let her come and visit, but I had been so reluctant and fearful. However, now at almost 16, I knew I could no longer hold the tight grip I had placed on her. Yes, realistically, I know many kids go away to family, friends, and camp . They even start at a very early age!
 I can remember my brother and I traveling to see our father on a Grey Hound bus from the age of 9 years old. So, its not like I don't know that it is possible, attainable, and safe.
     Regan was ready to take this next step in her independence. I was not. I checked her bags the night before, and rechecked them in the morning. I went over every scenario with her on the way to the airport.I confirmed her seats, flight, and layover information. With the occasional, "Mom,I'll be fine!", I still wasn't convinced. How will she managed without me? How will I manage without her? Its only ten days, I keep repeating to myself. I promise I won't cry, or I'll embarrass her.
After the long process of going through security we reach the gate. I can tell from her face, the excitement had turned to doubt, and I  immediately feel guilty for having imposed my fear on her. I remind myself, that she is watching me, for my response. She needs my "ok", my reassurance. As much as she is ready, I since the hesitation, if only for a brief second. My mom mode kicks into high gear. I will not let her see me cry.I get her to the gate,  "I am so excited for you! You are going to have so much fun!" , I manage weakly, but tried to say it with conviction. She looks at me, searching for truth in my eyes. She is making sure I am going to be okay. Once she is reassured, she quickly grabs her bags, and gets in line. "Do you want me to take a picture?" She looks mortified,  rolls her eyes,"really?? NO!" I smile.
Now, I can see in her face that the hesitation has turned to anticipation, and I don't want to take that away from her. I watch her walk down the corridor, trying to peak around the overly tall gentleman right behind her. She doesn't even look back. Once she is out of sight, then and only then I let out the tears I have been holding back. I swipe them away with my jacket sleeve.Nolan and Liam are staring at me.I look down at them and smile. We walk away. Every now and then I glance back, knowing I won't see her, but checking anyway.
I take hold of both of my boys hands, and we head towards the tram.I wonder what it will be like when they are also ready to leave home for the first time. Will it be easier? less painful? I doubt it. I may be able to accept it more, but I know the heaviness on my heart will be the same. But, for now, I won't allow myself to think that far into the future, I only want to focus on the next 10 days.
  Watching her get on that plane, was another step towards her future. Letting her go was another step towards my growth. For her this trip is about independence, for me its about leaning on Whom I Depend. She will dwell in the happiness of freedom, and family. I will dwell in the House of my Lord and Savior. She will be comforted by her Aunt and cousins. I will be comforted by my Comforter. Yes, we are both moving forward, towards our future, hers is an all new beginning and I am realizing that mine has just begun!

It's A Virtual World

     I know that social media is such a huge part of society these days. There is Twitter, instagram, and Facebook, where you can share your life instantaneously. There are huge perks to that. I know on many occasions , I have been reconnected with an old friend, received important news,been invited to parties, and yes, even found out about the latest gossip. However, in a society where everyone wants to be connected, stay connected or get connected, it can be overwhelming, and very time consuming.
     I watched a mother so busy taking pictures and posting them on her Facebook page,(I could see her phone)and then responding to all her Facebook comments, that when her daughter asked her to "look" she missed an important moment. Now, trust me I have been there too,so I am not judging this mom, it just brought it to my attention.
Are we so busy trying to prove to our "virtual friends", how much fun we are having, how beautiful we look today, or how exciting our lives are, that we  are actually forgetting to live our "lives"'?Are we becoming so obsessed with what the virtual world thinks of how we appear to be living, that we are missing some important moments? Are we so self absorbed with how many comments,or likes that we have, that we forget to live in the present?
  I am guilty of spending too much time on Facebook, writing on my blog, and my latest addiction... Candy Crush! If I am honest ,I too have missed out on moments, or time spent away from my family due to the intense curiosity that the virtual world holds over my head.
   I just got an instagram, just so I could follow Nolan, and that's how it started. Now I post pictures, videos, and even my latest dinner! I don't understand twitter, but mostly I don't have this account, because all of my tweets would be: doing laundry, cooking dinner, at park, doing schoolwork, driving to baseball, driving to cross country practice, etc..., you get the point!BORING!
     I believe there is some sort of disorder associated with it. I know that for some, their mood depends on how many "likes" they get, like the bathroom scale to an anorexic.Its crazy. We live in a world supposedly so connected, and yet the suicide rate is at its highest. Depression medication is one of the top medicine dispensed by physicians. In this day and age, information can be found by the push of a key or the click of the mouse. You can find out about anyone, find everyone, and know everything about their daily lives, from when they brush their teeth, if they brush their teeth, to their bowl movements!
     We are on information overload. Everyone can live in their own reality show on a you tube channel,and we can praise, judge or bully them about it on Facebook! Where is the mystery anymore? I don't ever have to go to another high school reunion, to find out what happened to this girl  or that guy, because I can just stalk their Facebook profile and find all I need to know! (don't act like you haven't done that either, I mean I haven't, but I'm sure you have!:)
   On the other side of it,there are so many positives to the virtual world epidemic.. I love to find an easy recipe to cook for dinner, an easier way to teach algorithms( to look up the definition of algorithms!) to Regan. I love blogging and use it as a tool to attract readers.My kids take classes on the internet, and I have found out what illness I have and how to cure it by punching in my symptoms! You can pay bills, plan vacations, send instant messages, and renew subscriptions. You can order clothes, shoes, and books, never stepping into a mall.
     Yes, there are many benefits, and I am not saying we shouldn't use them or that I don't indulge in them. We just need, like everything else, balance. We need to know when to put the phone away, how many pictures of ourselves to post on instagram, and how much time we are spending on the internet. We need to remember to appreciate our life, live our  life, and experience our life to the fullest. We should live in the moment, be in the moment and enjoy the moment. Real life is worth living.....And besides, the more you live, and experience the more interesting your Facebook status' will become to all your friends!:)

Givers and Takers

I was having a great conversation with a good friend yesterday about women's relationships. We were discussing, based on some current events taking place in both of our lives, how do you know when to let go, when to back off, when to fight for one?
I guess in every relationship there is a giver and a taker. If we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that in each relationship we have been either one or the other, depending on the relationship.I think most of the time we try to balance the takings and the givings, because lets face it, relationships, no matter what kind( family, friends, spouse, and children), that's required, if we want to sustain the relationship for any length of time.
Every one of us has heard the saying" its a give and take". However, what happens when the person your in the relationship in, is a taker, and never gives back? I know right away that person's name just popped into your head. Awww, light bulb moment! You know the one, its the one your always chasing. The one you are always making plans with, only to have them cancel at the last minute, because a better offer came along. The one that you are  always calling, doing the invites, dropping everything for, but can't seem to get a hold of  when you need them. We all have them in our lives, and if you can't think of one, then look in the mirror!
I lean more towards a giver. That is just who I am. However, givers have to be careful, because in order to stay in a relationship with a taker, we will have to "give" everything we've got! Until, one day the taker realizes you have nothing left to give, and walks away.
Women relationships are difficult,and complex. I have had to let go of relationships that were unhealthy for me, I have been hurt by people who I thought I was close too, to find out the feelings were not mutual. I have cried,and grieved over them. As women, our relationships are so important to us.. sometimes too important. We try to change ourselves,the circumstance, or our opinions. We sometimes even compromise our beliefs in order to continue the relationship.And after we have done all these things, the person walks away, leaving us confused, hurt, and in disbelief.
I have been told I am too much of this, too little of that. I have been told that I am not "caring" enough, "wealthy" enough, "spiritual" enough,"pretty"enough, "thin" enough, you name it, I have fallen short in those types of friendships. The truth is, I would never truly be "enough" for that person, no matter what I did or how I changed, it would never fully satisfy them.
At 42, I have learned that not all relationships will last, some relationships are for a season, some are for learning, some are for teaching, and some were never meant to be. I have stopped searching for acceptance, reassurance, or fulfillment from any one person. Now, I look to my Heavenly Father to fill those needs. I turn to him for guidance, reassurance and advice. I have given up trying to please every one, now I seek to please only Him. I no longer try to change for someone else, I find my self-worth in my Creator.
Once you put your faith into the right person(Christ) you give up the notion that you were put here to please everyone, because in trying to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, least yourself.
Relationships are important, we are called to be in them. However, we are not called to be in relationships that are draining or compromising to ourselves.God does not call us to continue to engage in relationships that pull us away from him, but rather cultivate relationships that draw us closer to Him.
I am enough, for Him, you are enough for Him, stop trying to please everyone, and learn to please the only One! In doing this, you will find the most rewarding, encouraging relationships that are not only meant to be, but will last a lifetime!

Memaw and Popop.. Setting the Example!

Today, we celebrated my mother and father in law's birthdays! We celebrated Memaw(86) a few days late and Popop(82) a few days early.I made them a homemade vanilla cream cheese cake with the help of Liam! I wanted them to know how much they mean to me, and there is really no other present I can get them, accept my time. I realize after all these years a cake is a small feat, however, with how busy I get, I wanted to show them that I still will make time for them,and that they are very important to me, more so than a busy schedule.
Memaw and Popop have been married 60+ years! They have raised two children and have bee completely involved with all five of their grandchildren's lives.They are the matriarchs of the Gary clan. When I first met them 23 years ago, I must admit, I thought they were a little more than goofy,with their ideas on family, love, marriage, and even God.  Every time one of the grand kids did something, we were having a celebration. Every time you had a meal, you actually prayed before and sometimes even sang! You always had to listen to old stories of the Captain growing up, or of the ice cream shop where Memaw had her first job, or how they met while Memaw was sitting at a piano at Bethany  College! I mean their was actual conversations going on with each other at the dinner table, not to mention we were sitting at an actual dinner table. Not growing up in a traditional home, I thought this all so bizarre!
However,after a few years of dating the Captain, I knew this was EXACTLY want I wanted for my own family one day. Over the years, they have loved me, embraced me, and taught me about life. They have accepted me as their own daughter, not a daughter in law,They have included me as a part of not just their family, but also their life.
Memaw and Popop are the couple you imagine when you are getting ready to say "I Do". They are the dream you have of growing old with the one you love. They are the picture in your mind,of what true love looks like. They are an example of what christian love and marriage should be.
 In the 23 years I have been in this family, I have watched Popop love, honor and cherish his bride. I have witnessed Memaw care, support and encourage her groom. You see they are HOPE, that not all promises are broken. They are ENCOURAGEMENT, that love can last forever, as long as you don't give up on it. They are JOY, that we can find our happily ever after.
The world needs more Memaw's and Popop's, more examples of positive marriages, more examples of love, grace and humility. I hope one day when the Captain and I are turning 82 and 86 that we will look back on our life, and have left a legacy such as this.
Happy Birthday Memaw and Popop, thank you for being such a blessing in my life, thanks for loving me and thanks for your beautiful marriage. Today, you should be receiving the gifts, but I find that I am the one who got the greatest gift.. Thank you for raising the Captain to be a Godly man, for setting the bar high, and giving us an example of a great marriage!