Sunday, April 11, 2010

Insecurity

I don't really know when all my insecurities began. I try to sit back and think about it, but its mostly a blur. It seems my whole life there was just one or more of them always there, invading my thoughts, my life, my behavior. I know that these past few years I have worked really hard through some of them, but the most deep ones, are still there. On my good days they are nonexistent, but still waiting in the crevices of my dark places to jump out at a moments notice. I guess I am bringing this up because I saw this book at the store, and it caught my eye. The title is ,So Long Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us, by Beth Moore, of course I picked it up,read the back, and the first line is, you considered this book because you saw the word insecurity! Yes, I am a victim, as thousands of women are, from some sort or many sorts of insecurities and as a mother of a young daughter, I want to avoid possibly handing down my baggage to her.
I think one of my biggest insecurities comes from my body image. I have this warped idea of how I am supposed to look. Sure,I could blame it on the media, but this began back in the late 70's and I wasn't really watching much TV then.
I can remember my grandmother always making references to my body weight, size, or appearance. I was never allowed second helpings at her house, and to this day I still wondered why I was never allowed the "pretty" plate. It was a cheap white plate, with flowers all around the edges, nothing special and now you could probably buy it at the dollar store, but to a 7 yr. old, it was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. The plate was never offered to me, and when I requested it,I was denied, leaving me heartbroken and feeling not good enough, or "pretty" enough or something enough to be allowed one serving on this plate.Its amazing a cheap plate is all it takes to make one feel no self worth. I think that is when this whole thing started, This road of self destruction and my quest for the "perfect" body.
Growing up, I tried all sorts of quick fixes. It was really hard to measure up,anything I did never seemed to be "enough". I tried all the diets, the pills, even starving myself, to obsessing over exercise. Temporarily, it would work, but then something would happen ie, boyfriend break-up, fight with a parent, or friend, and I would once again be back to where I was when I started.
Honestly, until two years ago, I didn't have a handle on being healthy. When I began training for my first triathlon, I began healing. I can't explain how it cleansed me. The ironic thing is, all the training was transforming the outside of my body, but the real healing was taking place on the inside. I write this, because I believe all women have a hang up about their looks or body. It can become paralyzing, a handicap if you allow it to take over your life. We, as women, begin to judge one another based on our size, instead of on our hearts. We begin to measure our self worth based on our waist size, we began to believe that our beauty is on the outside, we put ourselves in unhealthy relationships, and live unhealthy lives.I am still trying to figure it out, not let my daughter catch my too often on the scale,learning to take a compliment and just say thank you, not follow it up with something negative about my body and to not obsess over these last few, okay 10 pounds ,that I need to lose. Our daughters are watching, our neices are watching us.I am not saying its bad to improve you health,by exercising and eating healthy, I applaud all women any shape or size for taking control of their lives.I am saying we need to get a handle on who we are doing it for, and why we are doing it. Its still a struggle for me, but I know that one day I will finally see myself in the mirror, as Christ See's me, A Beautiful Daughter of the king.
This book says insecurities are curable,I am trying hard not to skip to the end, so until then I will continue healing the only way I know how, by training for my next triathlon in September,so that I can contine to strengthen my body so that I may have the strength to face life, and life, no matter how well lived, is hard.

3 comments:

The Chapins said...

incredibly written, Aunt B. Thank you for this reminder. I want things like this to be at the forefront of my mind now that I'm a mom, especially a mom to a little girl. It makes me sad that you didn't get to eat off that pretty plate. It makes me cry thinking of you as a little girl feeling this way...thank you for sharing your heart. I love you so much. I think you are an amazing mother. This is one more reason why I think so : )

Victoria's Secrets said...

Little sister. All I can say is I'm sorry. As your older sister, I wish I could have been strong and secure enough to have protected you from these kind of hurts. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Victoria's Secrets said...

I'm off to the bookstore.