Thursday, September 5, 2013

Givers and Takers

I was having a great conversation with a good friend yesterday about women's relationships. We were discussing, based on some current events taking place in both of our lives, how do you know when to let go, when to back off, when to fight for one?
I guess in every relationship there is a giver and a taker. If we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that in each relationship we have been either one or the other, depending on the relationship.I think most of the time we try to balance the takings and the givings, because lets face it, relationships, no matter what kind( family, friends, spouse, and children), that's required, if we want to sustain the relationship for any length of time.
Every one of us has heard the saying" its a give and take". However, what happens when the person your in the relationship in, is a taker, and never gives back? I know right away that person's name just popped into your head. Awww, light bulb moment! You know the one, its the one your always chasing. The one you are always making plans with, only to have them cancel at the last minute, because a better offer came along. The one that you are  always calling, doing the invites, dropping everything for, but can't seem to get a hold of  when you need them. We all have them in our lives, and if you can't think of one, then look in the mirror!
I lean more towards a giver. That is just who I am. However, givers have to be careful, because in order to stay in a relationship with a taker, we will have to "give" everything we've got! Until, one day the taker realizes you have nothing left to give, and walks away.
Women relationships are difficult,and complex. I have had to let go of relationships that were unhealthy for me, I have been hurt by people who I thought I was close too, to find out the feelings were not mutual. I have cried,and grieved over them. As women, our relationships are so important to us.. sometimes too important. We try to change ourselves,the circumstance, or our opinions. We sometimes even compromise our beliefs in order to continue the relationship.And after we have done all these things, the person walks away, leaving us confused, hurt, and in disbelief.
I have been told I am too much of this, too little of that. I have been told that I am not "caring" enough, "wealthy" enough, "spiritual" enough,"pretty"enough, "thin" enough, you name it, I have fallen short in those types of friendships. The truth is, I would never truly be "enough" for that person, no matter what I did or how I changed, it would never fully satisfy them.
At 42, I have learned that not all relationships will last, some relationships are for a season, some are for learning, some are for teaching, and some were never meant to be. I have stopped searching for acceptance, reassurance, or fulfillment from any one person. Now, I look to my Heavenly Father to fill those needs. I turn to him for guidance, reassurance and advice. I have given up trying to please every one, now I seek to please only Him. I no longer try to change for someone else, I find my self-worth in my Creator.
Once you put your faith into the right person(Christ) you give up the notion that you were put here to please everyone, because in trying to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, least yourself.
Relationships are important, we are called to be in them. However, we are not called to be in relationships that are draining or compromising to ourselves.God does not call us to continue to engage in relationships that pull us away from him, but rather cultivate relationships that draw us closer to Him.
I am enough, for Him, you are enough for Him, stop trying to please everyone, and learn to please the only One! In doing this, you will find the most rewarding, encouraging relationships that are not only meant to be, but will last a lifetime!


Jennifer Alyea said...

That was really a good read. I always read your blog posts and find them interesting because you are such "real" writer. I can hear it coming straight from your mouth. But even the friendships that don't last for one reason or another can still leave a lasting affect. For example, our friendship ended, yet I have some of my best memories with you. I had no confidence in myself and was so lost when we became friends and I watched you and was able to see what real confidence looked like. Even after our friendship ended I was able to use that new confidence to learn how to make good decisions for myself and a belief that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and I did. I always think about the adventure that was our friendship. It was like no other I ever had and has it's own unique place for me. I feel joy when I see how beautiful you and your family are and all that you have accomplished. So whatever friendships have ended, I am sure that God placed you in that persons life for a reason and what they took from you may have been something so life-changing that they were set on a path that never would have been, had they not met you.

The Pilot's Wife said...

Thank you so much Jennifer, you made me cry! I look back on our years as friends and know you weren't the only one who grew, and learned throughout our friendship. I think some friendships never really end, I think the seasons just change. You are forever in my heart, and I know that I wouldn't trade our memories and escapades for anything! I smile every time I think of you:)
You blessed me today, and I Thank You!