I can tell my blog has taken a turn here lately. I guess because, I am changing too. I feel like my writing this year is becoming more about my self discovery, or self awareness. I was told once that when you turn "40" , you start to look at your life differently. Well, 40 came and went, and I honestly didn't see any big changes, however,now on the brink of "43" , I am starting to understand.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love the choices that I have made, and I have few regrets. When I reflect on myself, I am not trying to reinvent me, heck, it took me until 40 to even like me! I guess I am looking at my self and remembering who I am without all the labels that I have acquired over the years.I am trying to find my balance of where it is I belong.
In order for me to really start down this road, I guess I had to look at where it was I came from in the first place. Let me tell you now, this is a love story of sorts, not a pity party!
I now recognize that I grew up in a very unhealthy, dysfunctional environment, but who hasn't, right? When I look back on my life( my younger years) the ones that helped shape me, my personality, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my brokenness, I feel sadness that so much of those things that should be every child's right, was taken away from me at such an early age. I don't write these things out of self pity, I write them to remind myself that I have come so far, and through it all have become more secure, stronger and have such joy in my life. I am not where I need to be, but I am not even close to where I was!
Eight years ago, I started to run,do triathlons, and half- marathons, etc. I began to use exercise as a way of healing, away of cleansing my past. I put everything into my kids, the Captain, and unbeknownst to them, I expected them to heal me, fix me, make me whole. It was a poor attempt to feel completeness. I think if we are all honest, we are all "broken" in some ways. I used exercise and my family to fix me. What are you using?
I now know that God is the only thing that can heal me. Yes, I believe He used exercise as a vessel to help me move past the pain, and I believe, He put the Captain in my life as a blessing, to allow me a glimpse of what beauty looks like, in a world that can be so ugly. He gave me my children as a gift, to enjoy, love and be loved. These are all things that He chose for me to help me start the healing process, but it couldn't be complete unless, I accepted Him. I was told once that when someone asks you '"What does it feel like to accept Christ or be baptized?", the answer is ," It feels like a Monday." Because, the truth is healing and growing,even with Christ, doesn't happen overnight, sometimes the scars run too deep, there is no "quick" fix, or magic pill. You still have to do the work, but now you don't do it alone!
I think the training for me, has been a way for me to remind myself, that I am strong, I am no longer that little girl with no voice. However, its not enough for just my body to become strong, I have to remain strong in my faith. An injury could happen, an accident and I wouldn't be able to compete any longer, but my relationship with Christ will sustain me. My children will grow up and begin their life, but Christ will never leave me. My husband, God forbid, could pass away tomorrow, and I will still be a Bride of Christ.
You see, He uses whatever means he needs to teach us about Him, life and most importantly ourselves. Running is a gift. Every mile I have logged, I have learned something, about my life or about myself. He blesses, He heals,He restores.
I realize now that when I first started running, I used it to run away from my past, but now as I am putting back those pieces, I run only toward my future.