Thursday, July 30, 2009
The past year has been a year of loss, and growth for me. As most of you know I suffered a miscarriage last yr around Feb 2008, but what most of you don't know is I had another one in July of 2008.
The second one was much harder to deal with than the first one. The feeling of failure and inadequacy was almost too much to endure. Bob and I had not actually made plans to have another baby at the time, but we had not been doing anything to prevent it from happening either. But, whether you are planning for a baby or not, once you see the positive sign on the test, that baby is yours, loved, and wanted. So the loss is just as heart breaking.
Bob and I decided we were not taking anymore chances after the second one, and became much more careful. I on the other hand, still had that desire, for another baby. I just felt in my heart it wasn't finished for me. But, knowing my husband, when he makes up his mind, there is no point in trying to change it. He was not taking anymore chances. He told me he didn't want anymore children, that he felt our family was complete. However, I felt different. But I knew I wouldn' be able to change his mind, on my own.
So I began praying. "God, please either change Bob's heart, or take the desire to have another baby from mine." I prayed this all the time, never letting Bob know anything. By the end of the year, I realized his heart wasn't changing, and I threw myself into training for triathlons. I focused on my goals, and the training helped me heal. I even started looking in Jan 2009 for a urologist,for Bob. I thought, if we were not going to have anymore children, then I couldn't take anymore chances. Plus, I had gotten really into my training,my races, life was getting really good, and easy. My kids are at a great age, of independence. So I felt,God must have heard my prayer and decided to take my desire away instead of changing Bob's heart.
Boy, just when you figure God out, he throws a curve ball. In march 2009, Bob came to me out of the blue and says,"Brenda, I've been thinking. I would love to have another baby." My mouth dropped to the floor. "UM What?", Bob, "Yes, I really want to have another baby and add to our family. Its what I live for." Okay, now I am totally shocked. I don't know what to say, because I had been actively getting numbers for consultants from urologist. Bob and I talked all night about it, and when it was over, I told him I needed time to think and pray about it, because I was confused. Bob is really patient.I waited weeks, and would asked him at random,"so you still want a baby?", He would simply say, "100%" then smile.He must have known I didn't know what to do or think.
I began questioning God and He began answering me:
Why now,God? Why not last year? He replied." My timing is perfect."
Why not the other two babies, God? He replied, " My plan is perfect."
Why change his mind, when I was finally accepting the alternative? He replied,"You asked me too."
And I hate to say it, But I was like, and "Why now when I finally am in the best shape of my life? and He replied, "What do you think I was getting you in shape for?"
"But I am afraid, it will happen again." He replied, "Trust in your Lord with all your heart, and with all your soul, and depend not on your own understanding."
And then I knew the desire had never been taken from my heart, He had just quieted it, so that I could heal and be prepared for His next plan for my life. I told Bob right away when I knew my answer. Okay, lets go for it, I want to!"
Bob and I thought we would try one more time,we honestly didn't know if we could, or would get pregnant again. We just knew this was God's plan for us, to try.
I did have one condition, to wait until after my triathlon, because I had worked so hard for this race. Bob was fine with that, he actually thought it was the best idea.
We decided we would just not try to prevent anything from happening. We gave ourselves 6 months and if it didn't happen by then, we would reevaluate if we would need "help".
Two weeks after my triathlon,I just knew with my whole being. I took the test three days before my missed period, and knew it would be positive. IT WAS! God had given us our miracle, He had given us his promise. I knew with all my heart this baby was God's child, and nothing was going to happen this time. I am now almost four months pregnant, and we have seen our baby twice. It has not been all easy, I have not stopped morning sickness yet, and some days, I have to pray for God's reminder, that everything is going to be fine.But, I find in my weakness I lean more on His strength.
We were asked at our last appointment, if we were going to have any genetics test, Bob and I said in unison, no. We have accepted this gift from God, He has created this child for us,this was His Plan for our lives, His promise for our family, and we choose to trust in Him.
I know that we are fortunate, to be able to have another child, and I do not take that for granted. I know there are many women who suffer from infertility, and I am very sensitive to that.But, when God shows up so clearly in your life , you cannot keep that hidden, it is not for me, but for His Glory.