Thursday, April 30, 2009

Loosing Control

I met a really interesting lady at Nolan's school. I found out that she is a triathlete. She wanted to know What my real reason was for doing it? I told her simply, "I don't know why."
She looked at me for a moment, and then proceeded to tell me why she thought I was doing them. She told me that I was doing them so that I could have more "control" over my life. I stared at her. Really?
I chewed on what she said to me all week. It just didn't feel right to me. Do I feel that I don't have control over my life? Was my life spinning out of control,and I just didn't know it yet? I have always been vague on this, but I knew in my spirit ,her answer for me was wrong. It wasn't my reason. It was hers.
So,I started really thinking about this all week. I searched desperately for my reason. I wanted to know an answer.
After really seeking and praying for why her answer didn't fit, God finally revealed to me my "Real" reason. I was surprised and a little confused at first. The truth of it is, the reason her answer did not feel right,was because my answer for the why is just the opposite.
I am doing these races, not to have more control over my life, but to have Less control over my life.
Yes,I have plenty of control over my life, I am a control freak. It is very hard for me to give up my control.It feels vulnerable. I hold tightly to my control.
So, when I received my answer I didn't understand. Why would I want less control over my life? Don't we have to have control? If we don't,then aren't we out of control?
And then it hit me, that's the problem. I am too in "control" of my life. And trying to be the One in control of my life, I had pushed God out of it.He was left on the sidelines.
In my arrogance I have always believed that I am the one in Control of my life when in reality, I am not in control of my life at all, I never have been.That job belongs to my Heavenly Father.Somewhere along the way, I had fired Him, deciding that I could do a better job, many times I even promoted myself and given myself a raise!
He knew I had to learn to let Him be the one in control of my life, and to let go of the tight grip I was grasping onto. I don't want to have that kind of control over my life anymore. Yes, I choose to train for these races, but it was His idea.Christ has used this sport to bring me to a place of surrender and need.
He has used my fear of lake swims,to draw me closer in prayer and to build my trust in Him and to prove to me that he is in control of my safety. He has used my long distance bike rides,for intimate conversations and reflection of what He has done in my life,showing me that He is in control of my blessings. He even used my time running, to praise and worship Him through music,and to show that He is in control, of my fate.
Believing that I was ever the one in control of my life, was a facade. I know now that I am given choices everyday that I must make, but I also know the difference between choices I make For my life and trying to have control Over my life.
Everyday, I loose a little bit more control. Everyday, I give it back to Him just a little bit more. It is a struggle to give up this control,it is not easy for me,sometimes I even try to take it back. Letting go of this unhealthy control is something that challenges me with each stoke of my swim, with each bike hill that I climb, and with every mile I run. But,it will come,it is His will,one triathlon at a time.
No, I don't do triathlons to have more control over my life, I do them to have less, much less!


Victoria's Secrets said...

Well done, little sister. Well done.

Mary Anne said...

Great insights! You are so right...God is in control, no matter how hard we try to think it is us that has the control.

You are going to do great on Sunday!
You rock!!

Ann said...

So true....we are rooting on the sidelines for you....let us know how things are ya.

St. of Words said...

i love this aunt b. so proud of you.