I took Regan to the DMV a week ago, yes she is already 15 and getting her permit! As she was waiting anxiously to get her picture done,I literally saw her life flash before my eyes. It was like something out of a movie. I could remember every monumental moment I have shared with her. From the second the stick showed two lines, to giving birth, pre-school, learning to ride a bike, pumping swings at the park, every holiday sitting on Santa's lap, every boo-boo I kissed better, brownies,to braces, and I just started crying! I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop. Of course I embarrassed her, and she just rolled her eyes,"oh,boy again?" I looked away.
The tears were a mix of joy, heartache and pride. Are there any other for a mother? I look at the almost adult, beautiful young lady, and stare in awe, of how fast time has gone. I know too well, that my kisses will no longer cure whatever heart ache, cuts or bruises that she will have in her future.I know that there are no monsters under her bed, but have I prepared her for the ones of the world? I know that fairy tales all have happy endings, but in real life there is heartache and disappointment.I know too well that despite what they tell us, dreams don't always come true,and you can't be whatever you want when you grow-up.
Am I ready? NO,NO,NO I scream in my head. I don't want to hold her back, but I want to hold on to her while my knuckles turn white,I want to breathe in her youth. I know that her licence is the first step to this new found "freedom" that she so craves. I know for her, life is just beginning, with endless opportunities and doors to be opened, and some that will even slam in her face. As mother's we spend their lives protecting them,and then we realize that we have to let go and hope everything we have taught them is somewhere in that adolescent,t rebellious teen. They have to explore, learn, and fall so they can grow into the adults they are called to be. One day when she becomes a mother, it will be her crying at the dmv and having all the same doubts, fears, and hope for her daughter and I can just hold her, kiss her and once again tell her"everything is going to be okay".