Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Size Does Matter....At Costco.

Costco is one of my favorite stores. I mean it is like a day outing. We tell the kids , hey we're going to Costco. they jump in the car.Can we eat dinner there?Sure,why not I mean a family of four can eat a meal for $7.86 .We first walk around the store and eat for free(I call this appetizers).Then we get the usual hot dogs or pizza(even this is huge at Costco) This is called smart budgeting.
For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 7yrs,Costco sells industrialized size items for less money. We buy toilet paper that lasts for three months! The worst thing about this is finding space at your home to store all your goodies! If you have an addicting personality -BEWARE -I do not suggest you visit one, because once you go Costco...well you know. At our local Costco there is rarely a time we do not run into neighbors or friends. Its almost as good as Disney World.
Bob,the kids and I went to the Costco the other night. We did our ritual thing-ate dinner,got free food,bought items we didn't know we needed, and ran into neighbors. Now here is the part that may be TMI for some of you! Memaw/Popop if you are reading this STOP NOW- if you continue never/ever tell me you finished the story okay?
So Bob is going down every aisle and I finally say What are you looking for?he casually says condoms.What? Condoms, I bet they sell them in COSTCO( yes we are using condoms-that's another blog)-Hello-o-o do you know what this means. I told Bob forget it-we are not buying them at Costco. Just then we were walking down the medicine aisle, low and behold on the back counter there was a bright light followed by angels singing the Hallelujah chorus(this is Bob's description here). Can you imagine the size of the condom box!-Yes -industrial! Bob is like score! I am like your crazy! He is like I'm getting them-I say no way, the kids our in the cart. He says I'll get another cart,you know the flat bed looking one-(this is how big this thing is)Bob's like yippee the family pack, and they are only 9.99(now at this point some of you are thinking hm,that's a good price)I am sure Bob can tell you how much price per condom.So basically what it boils down to is cheap sex-haha
I start looking around for our neighbors,friends anyone I was sure was going to walk up on us at this moment.I say Bob we are not buying these,here.Everyone will know that we have sex. He says, we have two kids. (me) so.(him) we're married.(me again)so.blank stare.He is like this is awesome, I can't wait to tell the guys. (me)We are going to run into someone we know(him)Great! Now I know he is not getting a cart because he is holding the box like it is a golden egg.
They will probably have to do a price check"Excuse me can I get a price check on the industrial sized box of condoms for the G--y's?"They would need the back loader(you know the one beep beep) to unload it into our car. I am so embarrassed now-Bob is smiling like a Cheshire cat. Visions are now in my head.I say where will we keep them when we have company ,-Oh you can put your coat next to our condoms in the front hall closet? Oh, need a few , no problem take two. ugh!
Now Bob and I have been together for 17 yrs ,I say honey do you really think we're going through all of those in our life time? They will expire first.He's like are you kidding this is a week's supply(wishful thinking).He says he will share with friends.(gross) He is really proud, all puffed up carrying his big box of condoms, displaying them as if they were as important as the Heisman trophy.He is grinning from ear to ear at the other guys like, yeah these are all for me-the other men giving quick glances at the box wanting to possess it thinking, lucky devil. I thought Bob was actually going to start rubbing it chanting, my precious my precious( in his lord of the rings tone)-he didn't.. At that moment I thought men are really simple,for them it really is about sex-thinking about it,waiting for it,having it,repeat process.
So, I guess the people at Costco now know we have sex ,the 18 yr old cashier couldn't even make eye contact. We didn't need the back loader as Bob was clutching them so hard his knuckles were white, there was no price check they rang up just fine,and as for the kids, they thought they were balloons- so all my fears were put to rest. We now have party favors for all our friends that come over(when they leave,we don't have those kinds of parties!)and we will never have to buy condoms again.(well I wouldn't go that far).So Bob got his condoms, and I didn't run into anyone we knew. Maybe next time I am at Costco, I will see if they carry whip cream!


Victoria's Secrets said...

I am still laughing. Just the thought of Bob holding onto his condom "blankie" makes me laugh out loud! You are such a talented writer, Brenda. You have found your God given talent, no doubt. I can't tell you how much I look forward to your blogs. I'm so proud of you!

Teryn Chapin said...

that is so funny. i can picture this whole thing unfolding. however, chad says..."if you guys have been married all these years and are still buying condoms, when is bob going to start teaching a class? i want to be the first one to sign up!" LOVE YOU GUYS! and I (teryn) would have been mortified!! i probably would have run to the car.

jumbled up and complicated. very discombobulated. said...

aaaaahahahah I almost just peed my pants!!!