Sunday, February 10, 2008

My Path

Today I wanted to write about something personal that has happened to me. Not so that I can gain sympathy or even for any amount of attention. I just think it is something that most of us as women have either experienced ourselves or have gone through with a friend. So I write this for encouragement, and hope. You may not have even had the same experience, but I think that it can apply to all situations in life.
Bob and I found out a few weeks ago that we were pregnant. Yes, it was quite a surprise and unexpected. We did share this new with a few close friends and family , but we chose to not share it with everyone until after the "first"trimester, including our children, who still do not need to know. Well, I went to the doctor on Thursday saw a little heartbeat and thought we were right on track, Unfortunately I started to miscarry on Friday. Called the doctor and he explained there is nothing we could do about it, that there must have been something wrong with the developement etc,etc,. FYI, if you have someone you know that is going through this a few things not to say, -its for the best, you were'nt planning this anyway,better now than later,you can have another one,- although these comments are heartfelt they dont help. Nor should you try to explain why it happened, well you shouldnt have...maybe if you would have... No there is nothing that anyone can do to prevent this, it is no one's fault , you can not cause this,it is designed by God, with his purpose in motion.So just listen. That's it, nothing more.simple.
I am a private person, ask my family! So deciding to share this so openly is a bit out of character for me, a bit scary, however,I chose to share it on my blog because hiding from it felt like I was ashamed. Ashamed that my body did not do what it needed, ashamed that I somehow failed or dissapointed people,when in actuality I have learned, grown, and although with the sadness have found the joy in it. This may sound foreign to some, but I truely can only explain it , because it is so odd that it must be God.So,Let me explain. First on what I have learned,I have learned that I am not in control of my life, God is! This has been so freeing for me to know that I am not only not in control, but I dont have to be!He has a plan for each of us and sometimes that path we go down is rocky,bumpy, & comes with cracks, but during these times ,I am convinced that it is when we are most alive, that we are living. I assume this is the "road less traveled" because the road that is traveled alot is smooth,no bumps, probably pretty straight right? well that road may appeal to some, but not to me,I want to be on a bumpy crazy road that takes me to different places, adventures, yes and alot of heartache, isn't this life. isn't this living? You can not have one without the other. I want to press forward on my bumpy cracky path because it is mine, my choices, my life.I have learned that it only takes one day, one moment to change your life.(this happened when we saw the plus sign on the test and again Friday)but that you have to go with it, sometimes changing your plans, taking a turn when you thought you would go straight,or gettting off at the next stop, but that's okay! I have learned to trust this and find comfort in the peace that only He can give me.That I may feel sadness and pain, but joy comes in the morning! I have learned that people really do care and that love grows when you allow people to be a part of your life and not by shutting them out, I have learned that alot of people LOVE ME. I also have learned that we all have purpose no matter how long we are in this world, whether it is 80 years or 7 weeks we are all signifigant to our creator. We all touch lives. Second, I have grown. I have grown in my faith,that he has sustained me and comforted me in knowing that his will was done.That my circumstances Do Not and Will Not determine my relationship with Christ, he already paid for ALL of my sins and that my circumstances are Not a punishment for being the sinner that I am.This is HUGE - It is also empowering to me. That each event or trial is an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else. It is how we respond to these situations that show who we really are ,our true character.Situations like these shape us, change us, it becomes a part of our legacy, our story. I embrace this.And lastly I have found joy, joy in the overwhelming response of my friends & family to support me, love me. I have found joy that my children were protected from having to understand this, I have found joy in the arms of my wonderful husband,I have found joy in the knowledge that whatever life throws at us we can be assured that because we have chosen to walk with Christ, that we can never lose our spirit, our hope, our purpose! You can look at this in any situation that you may be facing now, or in the future, My sister used to sing this song, it goes -Life is Hard, but God is good! This is so true! We all have crap(can I say crap here?) in our lives, we all have pain, mistakes, dissapointments,This is when I think we should reach out most to people, not hide or try to deal with it on our own, that is a lie.God created us to have relationships with each other, that means through good,bad and ugly.That means to be vulnerable and say I'm a mess ,this is me, like it, accept it, deal with it- here I am! I find Joy in this! Don't You?
I can not tell you what God has planned for my future, nor do I want to know. I want to enjoy each moment, I want live in the 60 seconds of life, where every second counts, I choose to live in the abundance of joy, not the bondage of grief and dissapointment,I choose to live with excitement, knowing that I may not understand but can be rest assured that my path,my bumpy,rocky road, will always be the one that God leads me down so at the end of it I too will hear," Well Done". I hope this was an encouragment to someone that needs to hear it, I really love each and everyone of you, you are all a part of me.(well there may be a few people that I dont know that read this blog and although I hope you find encouragment I dont love you,give me a break I dont even know you ha ha) I believe humor is a gift from God. Blessings, B. Oh yeah
P.S. for my faithful readers who have read my costco condoms blog, you may be a little confused uh condoms-pregnant- well here is a clue 1. You must use them not just buy them 2.there is no "safe" time 3.in the throes of passion do not forget them, 4.it only takes one time. .

3 comments:

Victoria's Secrets said...

I am proud of you beyond words. Now I will just shut up and listen. You've got my number. I'm here for you always. I love you.

Anonymous said...

I AM PROUD OF YOU TOO BRENDA I LOVE YOU MOM

jumbled up and complicated. very discombobulated. said...

This entry explains one of the things I love most about you! I love that you're not boring, trying to seem perfect all the time! You are truly an inspiration and I love you so much!