Checking off my list

Both of my children have sent off their letter's to Santa, and I have discovered my new favorite way to shop.. Its called Amazon. I have never been one to use the Internet to shop, I have always loved to go to the stores and pick out the toys, and presents, but this year I am pulling the pregnancy card! With a husband gone for the next three weeks, I deserve to!
I have ordered and already shipped out of towners presents, with a click of a button.. I have ordered most of the kids presents and they should be here next week..wrapped! All for free shipping, and no impulse buying on my way out of the checkout line.
I am almost done with Christmas shopping from the comfort of my bed,no lines, no rude people, no extra money spent, no wrapping until midnight on Christmas Eve, and I swear I have saved lots of money in the process!
How come no one told me about this before , pregnant or not, I am convinced this is the way to go. I still want to go out to the malls and watch the people scrounge around trying to find gifts, but now I can just sit and relax and enjoy my hot Carmel apple spice latte. I only have one more stop to make, Publix, they have gift cards for every place in town.. It seems strange to be done shopping this early, I hope the mail isn't late.

Swamp Monster

My pool is my biggest Nemesis. I was so eager to have one when we were house hunting, and now I realize sometimes even when you think you want something so bad, and you finally get it 1. Its never as great as it seems 2. You may want it, but probably don't need it 3. If you husband warns you over and over, you will be sorry, you may want to listen to him, because then you spend the next five years hearing,"I told You so!".
Anyway, although its been a hardship for me, my children have spent hours of fun times in that pool,and have had some great parties. But, it has come from hours of mine and Bob's sacrifice of cleaning, chemicals,and scrubbing. And sometimes to no avail, it still will turn as green and slimy as a swamp!
The past month we have been dealing with this thing. And finally today, it actually looks teal! Not clear, but I can see the top step! SOOOO it got me thinking as I stare out my window looking at the pool this morning. It really could be a metaphor for my life!
I spend lots of time in my life putting things into it, things that I am hoping will change the swampiness of it, to clear. It is so hard for me to keep the balance sometimes, that I want to give up, and just call a repair man, so that I don't have to continue to dig into the problem.
Like keeping my pool clean, I want a quick fix with my life, I want to pour something into it, and be done. If I could just add this, maybe some of that, and take out some of this, and whoola! Its back to being the perfect life, I dreamed it would be.
But, in actuality, it takes such hard work, consistency,and fierce dedication that I fall short so much. I peer into my life and see that there is still, maybe not the swamp, but the green and slimy. I know that the ingredient I have been forgetting to pour in, is my Heavenly Father.I know then, that I have been trying to clear my life, with things that will not work, things that will even possibly change the color back to swamp. I realize in this crazy, mean, complicated world, only Christ can change my swampy water into the crystal clear water that I so long to see. Okay, maybe it will never be crystal clear water in this lifetime, but I would, at this point, settle for some light green! I don't know why, I haven't learned this yet,I don't know why I keep trying to clear it on my own. But,maybe that is how it works, your life is clear when you are born, and then slowly because you are not taking the time to nuture it, pray about it, or pour Christ into it,your color starts to slowly turn teal, then green and then swampy. And then we try on our own to "fix" it, and it just continues to get worse and worse,it may even clear temporarily, but until the key ingredient is added, Jesus Christ, we will never clear the water, it is simply impossible.
I know that my pool did not start off as a swamp, but that's what it became. And even though I sometimes get the color to change , I know the moment I stop pouring in the "right" stuff, it will turn again. Its a vicious cycle.
Yes, my pool is finally clearing up,after weeks of working on it. After making 5 trips to the pool store,and 8 gallons of chlorine, Bob and I finally realized we had been leaving out a chemical that we needed, and that no matter how hard we worked, it was never going to change without it.
We put that chemical in last night,and this morning-it finally changed. No, its not the perfect color yet, but we will still continue to add some of this, and take out some of that diligently until we see the bottom. But, we will not forget that main chemical again!

Half empty or Half Full

Complaints you should never admit to a Pilots' wife: These are real women who may never talk to me again.Or maybe they will look at their life a little different:)

1. Your husband comes home from work at 630pm every night instead of 530pm- At least your husband is home every night!
2.Your husbands' ANNUAL business trip, where he may have fun without you-My husband lives on vacation. Yours is once a year, get over it.
3.Your husband wants to watch football or go out with his friends-my husband has a work husband who he is with 22 days a month.
4.Your husband doesn't help with the kids- I am a single parent more than half the month.
5.Your husband doesn't take out the garbage,clean the house, drive the kids to practice-My husband isn't here when the garbage goes out,my husband isn't home long enough for me to clean after him, and carpooling to practice works.
6.Your husband didn't give you what you wanted on your birthday, anniversary,etc.-My husband isn't home on my birthday, anniversary etc.
7.Your husband works all the time- my husband is gone all the time
8.You cant get in touch with your husband while he is working at the office- I cant get in touch with my husband while is is sitting at the beach in some island
9.Your husband has to cancel plans once in awhile- I cant even make plans, because they will inevitable change.
10.You have to go to a party alone- I go to dinner, movies, and couples gatherings solo.

Get my point? Don't complain to me about your husbands.. I will ALWAYS top you. The difference is perspective. I choose to look at the positive in my marriage, my husband and my life. Its not perfect, but it's mine. Even with all the craziness that comes from being married to a pilot, I would never have it any other way. Being married to a pilot is never dull.It's hard work, exciting, exhausting, thrilling,lonely,the most fun I have ever had, but its never boring!Here are a few ways I look at my situations when it gets tough.

1. My husband can be gone ALOT- but when he is home... FIREWORKS!
2. My husband misses many occasions-but when he is home....I am his TOP priority.
3. My husband can go out anytime with his buddies... but when he is home.. he chooses ME.
4. My husband misses activities the kids are in.. but when he is home.. he transports to every game and practice, stays off his cell and watches every minute of it.
5.My husband may not be home every night at 630... But when he is home... he is home ALL DAY.
6.My husband may live on ANNUAL business trips...but home is his favorite vacation spot.
7.My husband may have to cancel our plans... but when he is home he makes new ones, better ones.
Being married to a pilot is a unique lifestyle choice,but for most of us it was a choice we freely chose. We could find lots of things to complain about, and I guarantee our friends would support every single one of them! But, being married to a pilot, builds something inside of you,it becomes a part of you.Its no longer his career, it becomes yours as well. Its so hard to explain the partnership that takes place.The ties that bind you together with your pilot, from the life experiences that you have, that few will only ever partake. You have to look at your marriage differently, you can't take things for granted. This lifestyle builds a strong marriage, it strengthens your character. Like no other career, I know of, this one allows you to live, as an individual, but also as a couple. And their is fulfillment in never losing yourself to someone else, even the man of your dreams.
You don't have the time to fight, or sweat the small stuff, because you only have time to enjoy the now, when he is with you. My marriage keeps my life in perspective, that life is too short,that marriage is hard work(no matter the career),and that at the end of the day, at the end of this career, I want to be sitting on the beach next to my husband, no regrets, with our memories of our life together.

Being Married to My Pilot

48 Hours Later.....

Quick update

19 weeks and some change


Bob has been traveling so much lately, I feel like a single parent. Between homeschooling a 1st and 6Th grader and being 5 months pregnant,poor guy probably wants to have as many trips as possible. I am like a pendulum, swinging back and forth with my moods! Being pregnant at 38 is way different than at 28 and 33. Its mostly I think my hormones are so out of wack, I was probably getting ready to hit pre-menopause and then I threw in a pregnancy and tricked my whole system, my body doesn't know whether to prepare for a baby, or a breakdown!
But actually, the pregnancy is glorious! I love my growing belly, and feeling the movements, knowing I am growing another human being that Bob and I created. What joy and wonder this time is bringing to Regan and Nolan. They are thrilled with the whole process.
Nolan did ask if I could have another one, I told him this was my last baby, and he just looked at me and said, that's not really up to you is it? God makes that decision! Regan told me my boobs look 9 months pregnant and my belly looks 5, but she is sure it will catch up!
So our days are flying by,time is going fast.Today Bob comes home for a one day visit then he is off for another 5 days. With trying to keep up with everything my blog is suffering. I am keeping up with my new exercise program, and even though I could care less if I lose the three pounds, I really am feeling better with the added fitness.

Doctor Jeckyll turned into Mr. Hyde

Went to my doctor's today for my 18 week check-up and glucose screening. Baby is doing great,all tests came back great, but the doctor told me I needed to lose 3 pounds before my next month visit?! What the??? I was like okay so how many can I gain and then I will subtract 3 from that. He said I didn't understand I was to lose 3 pounds, not gain any! Apparently, I have gained the amount for a 22 week pregnant woman not an 18 week pregnant woman. Really a few weeks makes that big of a difference?!
I then asked him, well how many pounds did I gain at 18 weeks during my last pregnancy, and he said 6 more than I gained now! GO ME! as far as I am concerned that means I am 6 pounds in the green! He said it doesn't work that way. Whatever, so now I am pregnant and am on a diet?
I tried to sell him on how big my boobs are and the extra weight must be there, he didn't by it. I told him how I have been lifting weights for my arms, and that muscle weighs more than fat, so that must be it. He just laughed. I then told him I am constipated (this happens in pregnancy and that must be the extra 3 pounds. He stared at me and wasn't impressed.
He measured my belly and said it is the exact size for 18 weeks, so I guess he is telling me my butt and thighs are too big! UGH... He said because my weight was so great before pregnancy that my average gain should only be 25 pounds for the ENTIRE pregnancy(I gained 44 with Nolan), and I told him,that's the problem. I am not your average woman! He was not happy about that.
He said come back, next month three pounds lighter, I told him I would maintain, he said three pounds, Brenda.
HUMPH, I stomped off, and made Bob take me to get a cheeseburger!I thought when you were pregnant you could get a way with a little extra junk in your trunk, well apparently, Dr. Hyde didn't like that joke either!

Lessons Learned

I will try not to saturate my blog with pregnancy stories, but lets face it , being pregnant and the things you go through is just good blog material. Now that I am embarking on my second trimester ,I thought I would share a few things I learned thus far.

Things I have learned through the first trimester:

1.You can gain 10 pounds the minute the test shows positive.

2.Its not the baby making me fat, its the ice cream, cheeseburgers and macaroni!

3.Mexican food and pickles are the worst foods to throw up

4. Raisin Bran Crunch and Honey bunches of Oats, taste just as sweet the second time

5.I do not chew my food well, before swallowing

6.Lettuce does not digest very fast

7.There is a certain angle to hang your head over the toilet so the water doesn't splash back in your face when puking

8. Take your pre-natal vitamins before bed,you will have more of a chance of keeping it down. and Why do they make them the size of a horse pill, when you are already sick?

9. Calling it morning sickness is a joke, it can and has lasted all day not just in the morning.

10. Morning sickness does not go away at 12 weeks,

11. You cry at everything, yesterday I cried when they closed down the chicken ranch(TNT movie -The Best Little Whore House in Texas)

12. I have to sleep 18 hours a day

13. You can use the pregnancy card to get your kids to behave:)

14, You can use the pregnancy card to get your husband to do... well just about anything:)

15. You really are not eating for two, I mean the little bean is 2-3 inch's long, how much food does the baby need?

16.If my boobs get any bigger they will need their own zip code

17. My friends talked about me getting fat before they heard the news

18.I was a coffee addict,now the smell terrorizes me and looking at the coffee pot, l makes me nauseous

19. My children want to name the baby 1.Harry Potter, 2. Patrick Star or 3. Sponge bob

20.There is a 50/50 chance that the Chinese gender predictor test is wrong

21.Dreaming is alot more fun now that I am pregnant:)Bob thinks so too

22. Brushing my teeth is like an Olympic event

23. No coffee, no chocolate, no seafood, turns me into pregzilla

24. I have two new best friends their names are John and Ralph

AND

25. I already love this baby with all my heart,and even though I joke about the unpleasantness of the first trimester, I wouldn't change a thing:)

Hidden Blessings

The past year has been a year of loss, and growth for me. As most of you know I suffered a miscarriage last yr around Feb 2008, but what most of you don't know is I had another one in July of 2008.
The second one was much harder to deal with than the first one. The feeling of failure and inadequacy was almost too much to endure. Bob and I had not actually made plans to have another baby at the time, but we had not been doing anything to prevent it from happening either. But, whether you are planning for a baby or not, once you see the positive sign on the test, that baby is yours, loved, and wanted. So the loss is just as heart breaking.
Bob and I decided we were not taking anymore chances after the second one, and became much more careful. I on the other hand, still had that desire, for another baby. I just felt in my heart it wasn't finished for me. But, knowing my husband, when he makes up his mind, there is no point in trying to change it. He was not taking anymore chances. He told me he didn't want anymore children, that he felt our family was complete. However, I felt different. But I knew I wouldn' be able to change his mind, on my own.
So I began praying. "God, please either change Bob's heart, or take the desire to have another baby from mine." I prayed this all the time, never letting Bob know anything. By the end of the year, I realized his heart wasn't changing, and I threw myself into training for triathlons. I focused on my goals, and the training helped me heal. I even started looking in Jan 2009 for a urologist,for Bob. I thought, if we were not going to have anymore children, then I couldn't take anymore chances. Plus, I had gotten really into my training,my races, life was getting really good, and easy. My kids are at a great age, of independence. So I felt,God must have heard my prayer and decided to take my desire away instead of changing Bob's heart.
Boy, just when you figure God out, he throws a curve ball. In march 2009, Bob came to me out of the blue and says,"Brenda, I've been thinking. I would love to have another baby." My mouth dropped to the floor. "UM What?", Bob, "Yes, I really want to have another baby and add to our family. Its what I live for." Okay, now I am totally shocked. I don't know what to say, because I had been actively getting numbers for consultants from urologist. Bob and I talked all night about it, and when it was over, I told him I needed time to think and pray about it, because I was confused. Bob is really patient.I waited weeks, and would asked him at random,"so you still want a baby?", He would simply say, "100%" then smile.He must have known I didn't know what to do or think.
I began questioning God and He began answering me:
Why now,God? Why not last year? He replied." My timing is perfect."
Why not the other two babies, God? He replied, " My plan is perfect."
Why change his mind, when I was finally accepting the alternative? He replied,"You asked me too."
And I hate to say it, But I was like, and "Why now when I finally am in the best shape of my life? and He replied, "What do you think I was getting you in shape for?"
"But I am afraid, it will happen again." He replied, "Trust in your Lord with all your heart, and with all your soul, and depend not on your own understanding."
And then I knew the desire had never been taken from my heart, He had just quieted it, so that I could heal and be prepared for His next plan for my life. I told Bob right away when I knew my answer. Okay, lets go for it, I want to!"
Bob and I thought we would try one more time,we honestly didn't know if we could, or would get pregnant again. We just knew this was God's plan for us, to try.
I did have one condition, to wait until after my triathlon, because I had worked so hard for this race. Bob was fine with that, he actually thought it was the best idea.
We decided we would just not try to prevent anything from happening. We gave ourselves 6 months and if it didn't happen by then, we would reevaluate if we would need "help".
Two weeks after my triathlon,I just knew with my whole being. I took the test three days before my missed period, and knew it would be positive. IT WAS! God had given us our miracle, He had given us his promise. I knew with all my heart this baby was God's child, and nothing was going to happen this time. I am now almost four months pregnant, and we have seen our baby twice. It has not been all easy, I have not stopped morning sickness yet, and some days, I have to pray for God's reminder, that everything is going to be fine.But, I find in my weakness I lean more on His strength.
We were asked at our last appointment, if we were going to have any genetics test, Bob and I said in unison, no. We have accepted this gift from God, He has created this child for us,this was His Plan for our lives, His promise for our family, and we choose to trust in Him.
I know that we are fortunate, to be able to have another child, and I do not take that for granted. I know there are many women who suffer from infertility, and I am very sensitive to that.But, when God shows up so clearly in your life , you cannot keep that hidden, it is not for me, but for His Glory.

St.George Island Family Vacation 2009

When the day of the race was over, Bob and I headed to our annual family vacation to St. George Island. What a great way to celebrate the end of my race. Not only was I going to spend a week with my family, and extended family, Bob was going to be able to be with us for the whole week! No flights, no last minute schedule changes, but every day on the beach with his family. This is a special bonus for us.
We had a smaller crowd this year, because it was held in May, and alot of the cousins were still in school. Another great reason to home school, we can vacation any time we want! We still had a great time, but those that were not there, were missed. It was alot more laid back this year,the crowds were alot smaller, but the weather was perfect, and the company was excellent.
My brother and I were able to run in the mornings together,and this was a nice treat. The kids loved daddy being able to spend time with them,fishing, swimming in the ocean,and in the pool.We ate oysters at our favorite restaurant and sang Karaoke at our favorite pub. On our last day of the trip, we all went out to lunch and the kids got to pick out their souvenirs,little did we know, Bob and I were taking home a souvenir of our own:)

The Run

Well it took me as long to run the race, as it did for me to finally write this post! I should just take a sabbatical every summer, as time goes so fast, and I never seem to have enough time to sit and write.

After getting out off of my bike, my legs were screaming. Riding on a bike with a chain breaking, and in 6 gear for 12.3 miles was excruciating for me. Once I dismounted my bike, I really felt so weak in the legs, I wanted to just stop. I had to walk my bike back into the transition area.I took off my helmet, switched to a hat,found my sunglasses, and downed some energy berries and water, and headed off. I knew that I could make up some time with my running. I had been working really hard on improving my run. It started out really slow, I walked a few feet to get my barrings,then I decided, I did not come this far to walk my race. I started running slowly at first, just trying to get my legs to cooperate, I kept telling myself, one foot in front of the other. Then it stated to get easier. With each footstep, I could hear touch the ground, I gained more strength and more courage. I kept my eyes focused on the person in front of me. Every time I wanted to walk, I would pick out a target and think just make it to there, once I would reach that goal, I would pick out a new target. It was slow, it was steady,but I was getting the job done.
When I came around the first turn and realized I had just finished the first mile, I knew, if I can do one mile, I can do two. When I finished the second mile, I again knew, if I can finish two miles I can finish three. I felt completely exhausted, my body wanted to come to a complete halt, I knew the only way to finish my race the way I wanted, was to use my mind. I had always heard that running, or anything we do, is 40% physical and 60% mental. I believe that now. My father used to say to me when we would run together and I would want to quit,"Bren what the mind can conceive the body will achieve". So I started chanting this on that last 1/4 mile. I felt that with his headband on, and his chant we were running this race together.Running 3.2 miles does not seem like much,but after swimming and biking,it seemed like a marathon.
I was really proud of my run, 31 minutes later, I was crossing that finish line. I knew I had done my best race, I had pushed through all the obstacles that came my way, through the pain in my legs, and through the exhaustion, I crossed that finish line a different woman than the one who started that race.

The Bike Part 2

When I came out of the water, I was so exhilarated! I knew my swim went well, and I felt strong. The bike transition was further than I expected so it really took 2 mins to get to my position.
Once there, I saw that another triathlete, whose bike was next to mine, was trying to retrieve her bike. I started getting into my bike gear and wasn't paying much attention. By the time I was ready to mount my bike, I realized her bike was hooked up on MY BIKE. She was pulling and pulling to unhook her bike from mine.Her peddle was stuck in my spokes and near my gears, so I asked her to stop pulling and helped her to maneuver her bike from mine.
In doing this, I lost my sun glasses, and had to leave without them. I had already wasted several minutes in transition.
I should have known then, that I was off to a rocky start, but clueless as I was, I headed out into the blazing sun. I was no more than 2 miles when the problems started happening. I was peddling so hard and all of a sudden my pedals would not turn. I looked down, my chain had come off. I had to get off my bike and fix it. I have never in my life fixed a chain before, so I just wiggled it here and there, bikes whizzing past me, no one was going to stop,there was no station ahead, so I knew I had to fix it by myself. One lady did yell out " I'm praying for you!", that was awesome.
I finally got it fixed( I don't know what I did) and headed back on the road.I had no plan, except praying, please don't let that happen again! But, it did happen again, three more times! Two of the times I had to get off and fix the chain again. One time I got so angry I kicked it and it went back on!
I am riding this bike, on a isolated street, at times there would be many other bikers around me, at times I was left alone. I was frustrated and sometimes a little scared. I kept thinking to myself that I just wanted this long ride to be over. Every corner I just knew it had to be the turn around, and I wanted to just stop the bike and cry and pitch a big ,girly fit! I was deciding that I was never riding this bike again in another race.I was trying to decide if I should just get off and quit.I may have even said a few explicit words!I was that angry.
Well, I made it to the end, 12 miles and 57 minutes later. It was my worst bike ride ever, but I didn't care as long as it was over.
After the race Bob asked what happened out there, so I told him the whole story. I told him how I had no plan, I didn't know what I was going to do if I got stuck 7 miles out in the middle of nowhere. I had never even imagined that would happen.
He said,"well, what would you have done?",I said,"Get off my bike and start crying.", He laughed and said,"What good would that have done?" I shrugged, so I asked,"Well, what was I supposed to do?", He said,"Um,if you wanted to finish the race you would have had to push your bike and walk the rest of the way!"
I looked at him and thought not once while I was on that ride did I ever think of that. I had thought to quit, to cry, to fling the bike across the street, but never thought of walking to to the finish line!
Being on that bike, alone with no tool kit was not a good idea. Being in a race and not having a back up plan if something were to go wrong, was not smart.I trained so hard for the physical part of the race, but had done nothing to prepare myself for equipment failure.
Now I know that when you are in any race, you should always go through the what ifs, so that you are prepared,so that you do not panic, and do something completely insane or just give up all together.
I learned on this bike ride, that I must always have a plan in my life, God's tool kit, so that when things go astray(and they will), or I have to get off to fix something(and I will), that I don't just stop,and pitch a fit, and get out of my race. This is not what I was called to do. No, as a Christian I need to always be prepared for malfunctions and have a back up plan. I need to be equipped with the right tools so that I can fix the problem, God's equipment never fails.
Although at times I felt alone out there on that bike trail I really never was. and sometimes when I feel alone in my life, I know I never am. Its during those times I must rememeber his word. God will never leave me nor forsake me. He may not take me out of the situation, but just like that bike ride, he will get me through it!
I am finally convinced that if I want to continue competing in triathlons, I must invest in a better bike, a more expensive bike, something that I have been trying to avoid. But, as with life, some things will cost you way more if you don't invest from the start. And that is not a price I am willing to pay.

The Swim Danskin Triathlon part 1

Getting ready for the swim at 6am in the morning was a little scary. I had been practicing my swim in the pool and at Lucky lakes,but when you are about to start a race with a few thousand other women, you feel anxiety, mixed with excitement.
The buoys were set, and although I had done a 1/2 mile swim on many occasions, the distance just seemed even further. I looked out onto the water, and once again thought, What am I doing? But, I knew I had come to far to back out. They had swim angels, canoes, boats and lifeguards out there,so I should have felt fairly safe.
Practicing the swim in a controlled environment has been good, but it does not prepare you for the variables that you will deal with in the water during a race.
These variables I knew, would decide my time, pace and where I placed in the swim. As I looked out over the water, I said a prayer. I knew God had not brought me here to the water's edge,to leave me stranded on the shore, but to take me the whole distance.
You went out in waves of about a 100 women, all wearing your color swim cap. I had to decide where I would position myself so that I could have the most advantage.
I decided I didn't want to go first, afraid I would hold any better swimmer up, but I knew I didn't want to go last,to be left behind. I decided to put myself somewhere in the middle. Luke warm, so to speak.Not really picking a "side" but comfortably safe.
As soon as I heard the blow horn and raced to secure my position, I knew I had made my first of many mistakes in this race.
Because, I chose to hold back, or go to the front, I got stuck between 100 women. I could not move straight ahead, because there were so many other swimmers. Their Legs and arms were all flailing in my face. The water was splashing so I couldn't see through my goggles.
Once I finally could get started, it was a slow pace.It was some stroke between the crawl and the paddle! I had to constantly sight my way through the other swimmers,I would have to pause and look around at where I could fit. I had to focus on what was in front of me, on the side of me, and a few times my legs were grabbed from behind me.I was kicked, scratched and pushed under. I had to stay calm and become completely aware of my surroundings, as to not veer off course, I had to push forward and try to go through the obstacles that lay before me.
I saw one woman, run right into the pontoon boat, other women going so far off course,that no one could even get there attention. Others were grabbing on to the buoys for dear life, trying to decide to let go. During my swim I learned so much about how to prepare for my next race, and what position to be in(going in the front)!
Learning is what racing is about. I completely believe that Christ called me to start triathlons. He knew this training would give me the discipline I need to follow His lead, His will for my life.
So this is also what I learned today swimming.I must take time to train, not only for triathlons, but for my walk with God. I must remember no matter how hard I train, there will always be variables in my faith that will cause me to waste time,or cause me to redirect my course, how I choose to handle these situations will determine my character. If I don't take the time to "sight" often, I will get off course in my faith. I may even hit something harder than a boat, or veer so off course, I can't find my way back.If I panic in the water, I can grab on to the swim angels or a noodle, if I panic in my faith I will grab on to the cross.
Fully committing to my faith means to place myself front and center, not somewhere in the safe middle,or the back. To be BOLD, and step out right in the front position. But the biggest thing I learned in this swim is this...
My starting position is not as important as my finishing position! I finished 459 overall in the swim,it sounds like alot but out of a few thousand women its not bad:) I pushed through the challenges, kept my eyes on the prize,remembered my training, and shaved 5 minutes off my swim time. I stayed the course, and I finished the swim strong!

Loosing Control

I met a really interesting lady at Nolan's school. I found out that she is a triathlete. She wanted to know What my real reason was for doing it? I told her simply, "I don't know why."
She looked at me for a moment, and then proceeded to tell me why she thought I was doing them. She told me that I was doing them so that I could have more "control" over my life. I stared at her. Really?
I chewed on what she said to me all week. It just didn't feel right to me. Do I feel that I don't have control over my life? Was my life spinning out of control,and I just didn't know it yet? I have always been vague on this, but I knew in my spirit ,her answer for me was wrong. It wasn't my reason. It was hers.
So,I started really thinking about this all week. I searched desperately for my reason. I wanted to know an answer.
After really seeking and praying for why her answer didn't fit, God finally revealed to me my "Real" reason. I was surprised and a little confused at first. The truth of it is, the reason her answer did not feel right,was because my answer for the why is just the opposite.
I am doing these races, not to have more control over my life, but to have Less control over my life.
Yes,I have plenty of control over my life, I am a control freak. It is very hard for me to give up my control.It feels vulnerable. I hold tightly to my control.
So, when I received my answer I didn't understand. Why would I want less control over my life? Don't we have to have control? If we don't,then aren't we out of control?
And then it hit me, that's the problem. I am too in "control" of my life. And trying to be the One in control of my life, I had pushed God out of it.He was left on the sidelines.
In my arrogance I have always believed that I am the one in Control of my life when in reality, I am not in control of my life at all, I never have been.That job belongs to my Heavenly Father.Somewhere along the way, I had fired Him, deciding that I could do a better job, many times I even promoted myself and given myself a raise!
He knew I had to learn to let Him be the one in control of my life, and to let go of the tight grip I was grasping onto. I don't want to have that kind of control over my life anymore. Yes, I choose to train for these races, but it was His idea.Christ has used this sport to bring me to a place of surrender and need.
He has used my fear of lake swims,to draw me closer in prayer and to build my trust in Him and to prove to me that he is in control of my safety. He has used my long distance bike rides,for intimate conversations and reflection of what He has done in my life,showing me that He is in control of my blessings. He even used my time running, to praise and worship Him through music,and to show that He is in control, of my fate.
Believing that I was ever the one in control of my life, was a facade. I know now that I am given choices everyday that I must make, but I also know the difference between choices I make For my life and trying to have control Over my life.
Everyday, I loose a little bit more control. Everyday, I give it back to Him just a little bit more. It is a struggle to give up this control,it is not easy for me,sometimes I even try to take it back. Letting go of this unhealthy control is something that challenges me with each stoke of my swim, with each bike hill that I climb, and with every mile I run. But,it will come,it is His will,one triathlon at a time.
No, I don't do triathlons to have more control over my life, I do them to have less, much less!

Lucky lake

When it comes to my triathlon, swimming in a lake is my biggest fear. I mean you can't die riding your bike, or running a trail, but you can die from getting in the middle of a lake and not being able to get back!At my first triathlon I also panicked in the water, and ever since it has scared me to swim in a lake.
But, it is a fear I decided to face last Friday morning. There is a lake in O town, that many people have recommended to me, to practice my lake swims. I had been very reluctant, but knowing the race is two weeks away, I decided that it was time. Bob's mom came over at 530am, to watch the kids, so that Bob could take me to the lake. We needed to be there by 630am.
When we first got there, I was scared out of my mind! It was still dark, and I told Bob that I might just watch this time. Bob was encouraging me, and telling my I was going to be fine. I looked across the lake and the .6 mile swim might as well been 20miles. I watched the other swimmers gather, placing their swim caps on, spitting in their goggles, getting ready for the swim. I was holding back, taking it all in, staring at the fake gators that were at the lakes entrance, watching the over sized turtles eat their breakfast. Bob knew I was scared, he could see the fear in my eyes. I asked him if he would take the swim with me(my husband was a collegiate swimmer,so I knew the swim would be easy for him) but, he said no thanks! I gave him a look. I stepped down into the water, and felt sand. I placed my cap on my head and my goggles on, I slowly walked out to the edge of the food chain, and thought "why am I doing this again?". I took one look back at Bob, and dove in, head first. I came up for air, and realized I hadn't sunk. I started my free style swim, counting 1-2-3 breathe,1-2-3 breathe, I started to get a panic feeling, I looked up and saw the other swimmers around me and put my face back in the water.I prayed, talked to myself, tried to think of anything else besides swimming in a dark lake, at dusk, with alligators, and possibly amoebas! It was working.. With every breathe and stroke I made it got a little easier, my breathing became more controlled, my rhythm evenly matched. I would look up and see where I was going, and knew I was going to make it. I actually started to even enjoy it. It was freeing,to face my fear head on. When I got back from my swim I was looking for Bob. I couldn't see him on the dock,and just then I turned around, and out pops this swimmers head that I recognized!
It was my faithful husband. He had swam behind my at a small distance the whole way! I couldn't believe it. I said, "Bob, why did you swim? Did you think I couldn't make it?", and he said, "Not at all honey, I knew you could make the swim, I just wanted to make sure you didn't have a panic attack." so I said,"Then why didn't you tell me you were gonna swim it with me?",he looked at me and said," Because, I knew you could do it, but you needed to know you could do it, by yourself. You are stronger than you think!" What an amazing man. He knew I needed to prove to myself, that I could do it. Bob has always believed in me, he knew I needed to start believing in myself. I am going back to swim Lucky Lakes twice this week. and I am taking along a few great women, who need to prove it to themselves.

The Home stretch

I am in the home stretch for my triathlon this year. It is in three more weeks. This season, I have pushed myself harder,and feel like I am stronger than last year.This has not come without much sacrifice on my part or my loving families.This has come with many challenges. I won't lie there were many days,even hours, that I felt like throwing in the towel.
I began my training in January, and starting to train 5 months before an actual race,is challenging in itself. Staying motivated was probably my biggest obstacle. Remaining focused, and remembering my goal was something I had to continuously remind myself. There were times, I would literally be running and talking to myself,"Okay, why are you doing this?".
Alot can happen to a person in their life during a 5 month period. I mean just because I decided to train for a race, does not mean my life stops happening.
So in between life, I had to find time to exercise, get to the gym, swim,and lift weights. Many times I would just throw on my running shoes and head outside, because I could not make it to the gym. And of course there have been many times when things just happen, kids sick, Bob out of town, me sick, dog dies, vacations, Bob gone again,and sporting events that have cause me to put my training on hold for a day or two or three.
There were times that I knew if I wanted to, I could give up, I could just stop. No one was going to make me do this,no one was going to think less. I realized completing this is up to me,it is my will, my personal goal.
Training for triathlons, for me, is a love-hate relationship. I love the idea of doing one, but hate the idea of exercise. I am not one of those people who are like "yeah exercise!", I am the total opposite. But,training has made me more disciplined, committed, and focused on my life. I feel more alive at 38 then I did at 18 or 25 or 30! I have done things that I thought I could never do, or would ever want to do. Every step in this training has taken me to a new level, physically, mentally and personally. I owe so much to this race, to this training, it has changed me, as a wife, as a mother, and more importantly as a woman.
The other day I swam a 1/2 mile swim in 62 degree ocean water, waves, and even pelicans! When my friend and I got back into the car, we looked at each other and laughed our heads off! We could not believe we didn't drown, we didn't care how we looked, and we weren't worried what anyone thought! I have come a long way.
Now, when someone asks me "Why are you doing this?", I simply reply "Because, I can."

Man's Best Friend

A few weeks ago, we lost an important member of our family, our very loyal, Great Pyrenes, dog of fourteen years, Ramsey. Bob and I got Ramsey 6 months after we were married! We hand picked him out of a liter of 8, and they places a red ribbon around his neck until he was ready to come home. He was born an hour and a half away, and every weekend before his 8 weeks, Bob and I would take the drive out to visit our "baby", just like all good parents.
Ramsey was one of those dogs that was furry, cute all white snow ball, but very shortly he grew to be 110pounds and standing on his hind legs, was taller than Bob!
I rememeber when three years later when we brought Regan home from the hospital, how he looked at her, and then back at us like, what is that? Whenever she cried, he would be so anxious, and come running to us, to get her and see what was wrong. She had a "big brother". Regan could pull, push, tug at Ramsey and he would take it. She would read to him, and he would listen, she would be sick, and he would sit by her bed. Five years later, when we brought Nolan home, I think he thought "are you kidding me?" "Another one!". But he was just as faithful and patient with him.
Now eleven years later when we brought Wally home, he was not as happy! But, in true Ramsey fashion he adjusted, and he would play with Wally even though he was getting old, and tired.
Ramsey was very rare. Even my non-dog friends all loved him. Every one at the vet loved him, (they never put him in a kennel), our mail man loved him. He was kind hearted and loving. He would be happy if you took him for a walk, patted him on the head, and in his later years just let him sleep all day. People who are not animal people do not understand, how much a part of our life he was. He was part of our identity, part of our family. We loved him.On his last day, he just wanted to be around us,to give us comfort while he was the one in pain. We will never forget our Ramsey he taught us so much about ourselves, and life. At the end of Marley and Me it sums it up, Dogs don't care how big your house is, what you look like, what car you drive, they care about you, the person, the one who feeds them, loves them, and plays with them. They love you unconditionally, and unselfishly. Ramsey had a great life, and he gave us a great life and lots of Joy. Ramsey you will be truley missed, you already are.
July 1995-March 2009

A Bicycle Built for One

Today, at Nolan's school he had a great big surprise for me. The teachers were all excited for him to show me his newest accomplishment. We all went out on the side of the school where there is a big grassy, flat field. Nolan and his buddy Josh, brought out this bike(minus training wheels!),I stared curiously, and Nolan got on the bike, with his friend holding the back, to give him a push, and off he went,riding this two wheeled bike all over the field!Bob and I had been trying to teach Nolan at home, but with no success. And here in just one afternoon, his friend Josh had not only taught him, but was being patient and excited to watch his friend show off and succeed.
I started crying,for two reasons. One, because he and his buddy looked so darned cute, and two because,I know what he doesn't, that this is just one more step closer to his total independence.
Nolan came over to me, and our conversation went something like this:
" Mommy do you want to help me this time?
" Yes, Nolan I would love too. Tell me what to do."
"okay, first you are gonna hold on to the back of the bike,while I get my feet right, then you are gonna push me forward, and follow behind a little bit, then you are gonna let go, and I am gonna take off all by myself!"
"Nolan, what if I am not ready to let go,"
"Mommy, you have to, because I will be ready."
"Nolan, what if I can't let go.?"
"Mommy, you will be, I will tell you when it's time."
"Nolan, I am not ready, give me more time."
"Mommy, now is the time."
"Okay, Nolan, your right, its time, mommy will hold on for as long as I need to, then when you tell me I will let go."
"Mommy, what if I fall, where will you be?"
"I will be right next to you, I will pick you up, dust you off and help you to get back on to try again."
"Okay, mommy, here we go, this is gonna be wicked fun!". and with that my little boy,changed into my little man right in front of my eyes.
I held on to that bike for as long as I could, I gave him the push forward he needed,I ran with him for awhile and then, when I knew he wanted me to, I let go-
I stood back and watched in amazement as he zipped through the field, turned into a circle, and then I wept tears of joy, sorrow,and pride.
I know that there is a time for everything, and I know that now is the time for me to push him to go further than he thought he could,to stand behind him while he grows up,to let go of him when he is ready,to watch him from the sidelines cheering his success,and to be close by him so if he falls, I can be there to pick him up, brush him off,and help him to get back on.
Nolan, can not wait until tomorrow to show his father what he can do. He can not wait to show the rest of his buddies.For now,he told me, he only wants to ride in the small,grassy,field at his school.He says, he is not ready for the big,cement street just yet. I think he knows there will be bigger bumps and bruises on that road.I told Nolan that was fine.We could both use more practice on the little, grassy, field for awhile.I told Nolan that there is no hurry, but that when he was ready,we will go down that road together!

vacation

and we are back to normal. Well normal for us anyway, Bob left this morning to pick up the plane, and is back to flying by Wednesday.I have loved having him home. We watched movies every night, and it was nice having an extra driver for all of these sports we seem to be committed too.
We are busy getting ready for our annual beach trip to St. George Island!We did not know the trip was on until the last minute, which was nice because now it is only 8 weeks away so the wait time was so much better this year!
I am extremely excited this year because it also happens to be the day of my triathlon so what a great way to celebrate my race, going to the beach for a whole week with Family.
It is also going to be a smaller crew this year, because not every one can make it, with work and kids in school, another bonus for home schooling, we will take our school there, and most days will be field trips!
Oh, and did I mention I am going to the Bahamas with Bob at the end of the month? Well, unless something changes, which is very likely, I will get to go with him for four days. I am trying not to get too excited until I have the ticket in hand. It will be nice living his life for a change.Although, I am already not sure about leaving my kiddies.
I love this spring forward, I love knowing we are closer to SUMMER! warm weather, beach, longer days, cookouts,no school, sleeping in, swimming, it can't get here fast enough!

Maintenance Week

I love maintenance week! Its like our family vacation. If you don't know, maintenance week is when Bob's plane goes down for a routine squawk's checkup, and it takes a whole week! Which means... Bob is home and there is NO chance for him to get called out to go anywhere.
This is a pilots' wife's dream( I am so nervous now if I am using my apostrophe's correct!), anyway, because you know that your husband won't be able to cancel any plans at the last minute, because he has no plane to fly! For those non-pilot wives' your probably thinking, wow, this is what gets you excited, and I would say YES,YES,YES. Where other wives' may take advantage of having a hubby home every night,weekend, vacation, anniversary, etc., we pilot wives' must celebrate the times they are home. We don't have the luxury of knowing they will never miss these events, we only get lucky, when they don't! It's a bizarre life style, if you don't live it day to day.
Although, there is so many negative reasons given out there about being married to a pilot, or so many horror stories about their professions, I think its good to have stories that show the other sides. The ones with successful marriages, strong wives's, and honorable husbands.
I love that when my husband is home, I get so excited to spend time with him even after 19 years, I love that I have to appreciate our time together rather than waste it, I love that I still get excited for maintenance week, because it mean a whole week of uninterrupted time.
In our marriage we have the same struggles as anyone else,but I know that spending time together is not one of them, we enjoy being together, because other than maintenance week, our time is limited,and short, so we need to make it worth while, focusing on the bigger picture and letting the small stuff go. I am not saying pilot's marriage's are any better than any other ones', but instead of believing all the negative garb about pilot's marriages', I know a few of marriages' that could learn from our(all pilot's) marriage lifestyle.
Bob and I have to respect each other, trust each other, and enjoy each other. We have to appreciate our time together,and learn to appreciate our time apart. We have to be an encourager to one another,and experience our lives together while we are separate.
I, for one am tired of people either feeling sorry for me, or assuming my husband is a philanderer and a drunk. I hate the stares they give me when I tell them what my husband does for a living,I hate the dumb questions that come right after, but most of all I hate their ignorance about what my marriage is. I have a lot I could teach women, about themselves,and their marriage. SO I think as Pilot's wives' we must concentrate on the positives, support each other through the negatives, and stand by our man. I personally think, we have all discovered the best kept secret about a great marriage,quality time together, and quality time apart, its the best of both world's.I am not making light of serious issues that occur in any marriage,I know those things happen and its really sad. I just think there the good outways the bad,in our lifestlye. Many women ask."how do you handle him gone so much?" I would like to ask>"How do You handle him home so much?",
You live the marriage that you have, you make it the best one, you accept your choices, and live your life the best way you can. I love being a pilot's wife, I would never have it any other way,and if my daughter came home and decided to marry a pilot one day, I would tell her she is in for the most exciting, hard, complicated, exhuasting life stlye, but every bit worth the effort.Marriage is not about who is home every night with their spouse,or at every occasion, its about celebrating the small stuff, because all the small stuff makes up all the really big stuff!
And this was so not where I was going with this post:)

YouTriChick

I love going away with my tri-chick girls for the weekend! I always come back rested, renewed and rejuvenated. Every time we go we learn more about each other and we learn more about ourselves by the conversations that take place. We spend time running, eating, laughing, and lots and lots of talking. We get "real".
My tri-girls have really changed my life. We started out by participating in a bible study, and then training together for a triathlon , and now we share our lives.
On the last day, I felt ready to come home, I felt like I didn't want it to end and yet I am already anticipating the next time!
When I got home and walked through the door I was greeted with a very excited welcome! Regan and Nolan were jumping up and down, screaming my name, both wanting kisses and hugs. The dogs were even running back and forth! (this must be how Bob feels when he comes home from a trip), it is a great feeling! Bob had cleaned the whole house, and Uhmm... wanted to get the kids to bed early:)
As a pilots' wife, I tend to forget the importance of going away with friends, or myself alone. I am so busy running a house, homeschooling, and taking care of everyone except myself.
I think is is also a good reminder to everyone in the house how important my job is at home, not just for my family to appreciate what it is I do, but most importantly for me to appreciate what I do. I can get so caught up in being a stay at home mom, that I forget to pat myself on the back once in awhile, and say good job. I don't think this is isolated to just stay at home moms, I think working mother's probably feel the same way. As women we get caught up in the multi-tasking of life, and forget how essential we are to our families, and let's face it, they forget too. So every once in awhile we need to remind not just them, but ourselves.
When I walked into my house Sunday night, I knew by my families faces that they were thrilled not only to have me home, but exhausted by getting a taste of what I do for them. For the record, I absolutely love being a home school, stay at home, pilots' wife, just once it awhile I like to make sure they now how good they got it!

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The Tables have turned

I am getting packed up to go on a weekend trip with my girlfriends! I am so excited, that every few months we go to the beach and relax with no schedule. I am lucky enough to have a good friend that owns a condo right on the beach!
Bob will be staying home with the kiddies, and holding down the fort. I think this is great for him to do this once in awhile so that he remembers to appreciate the things I do around here. This weekend is going to be extra sweet too, because here is Bob's schedule for the weekend:
2 baseball games on Sat. morning
2 basketball games Sat. afternoon
1 birthday party Sat. night
and one trip to the doctors this afternoon for a sick kid with strep throat!
my weekend plans:
sleep in
stay up late
eat
drink
lounge by the beach all day
chi chat with my girlfriends all weekend long
come home Sunday night, after the kiddies are asleep
OH, how the tables have turned :)

Head Band of Hope

I just celebrated my 38th birthday, I had a great day. Bob's trip was cancelled a day early, so he actually got to spend the day with me. It was a nice surprise. We had family in town and had friends over.I got presents and was treated like the Queen that I am.
One of the best parts of the day was ,of course, opening my presents! Although I loved everything that I received that day, my favorite gift came in a very small package from my brother in Seattle. First, the card he sent me made me cry, it was so beautiful, but inside the box was a blue, Nike head band.
At first I did not understand the significance of it, until I read the inside of my brother's card. He had sent me one of my father's head bands that he wore during one of the last marathon's he had ever run!(from some of my last posts, you may remember my father was an avid marathon runner)
Robbie wrapped it in the box from my father's favorite cologne, and he told me I was to wear it during my triathlon! I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I held the hand band up to my nose, and I could smell that familiar smell, the head band was faded , and you could tell it was well worn.
On my race day, I will have this head band on, I will wear it with pride and know that my dad is there with me, cheering me on, encouraging me to do my best, beside me all the way to the finish line! To me this is more than a head band, it is a band of hope. Hope that when you work hard for something, and with determination and perseverance, you can and will accomplish your task. My brother has told me that he is now going to start training for a marathon, so I told him on his race day, I will gladly send the head band for him to wear. What a great way to celebrate my father's life, to race for him, with him, and beside him.

weekend news

three things that happened to me this weekend and two things I learned.

1.On Valentine's day, I went shopping and actually found a bathing suit, and two great bra's(happy v-day to me, because this almost never happens plus I hate shopping!)
2.My daughter, for no reason, said "Mommy, you are amazing." and just when I was getting puffed up, she said "but its easy to be amazing when you have two great kids!", and she is absolutley right! with both statements!
3.My husband via aim, took my breathe away.. again. Me: Out of all the places you have been , is there one place that is really amazing and you love to go to? Bob: yes. Me: where? Bob: Home

4. Do not color your own hair, then go to the gym and really sweat,you will have it running down your face! that was embarrassing.
5.Prayer works, it rained all weekend in Canouan:) that's mean, I know, but it works.

Over it and new year's resolutions status!

Okay, I am done with the pity party! Hubby off to his island, me off to the gym. On a lighter note I have been doing great on New Year's resolutions.
Read my first classic novel, Wuthering Heights and loved it! It is very dark, bizarre and wicked, so I don't know what that says about me, but I loved it. Now I am starting Pride and Prejudice, its my niece, Kara's personal favorite so this is my next choice. Any other classic suggestions feel free to post.
Also, I am running about 4 miles consistently now! and going to bump it up to five next week. I still don't get how I can be exercising so much and still gain weight? I told you my body must be in some kind of shock. and yes I know, I know muscle weighs more blah,blah, blah, but it could be I am SO much hungry from all the running that the cheeseburgers and cake weigh more than the calories I am burning! hahha. Anyway I am trying to stay on track for the half marathon this year. So from my last post you can see I had a slight mishap with being a good pilots wife one, but I can't succeed at all my new Year's resolution, or I would have none to make next yr.
Well, its off to the gym to run out my stress, and then I can eat my whole Candy box, hubby left me before he went to island. Oh well, he gets the vacation (okay its work:) ) I get the extra pounds! No really I'm over it, really.

Would you like some cheese with that whine!

I feel really selfish writing this today. Probably because, with all that is wrong in this world, and knowing that other people have their own stuff going on, it seems a little unimportant, except for the fact that its important to me.
I guess today I just need some of my pilot wives to cheer me up, because I am feeling alone here. You know the scenario, Hubby going out of town, to a beautiful beach resort in the Grenadine Islands, called Canuan. Staying at a beach front all inclusive resort, without me:(
I am not usually bothered by this, being I am pretty busy at home, but for some reason I am feeling a lot sorry for myself this time. Mostly, its not the trust thing I never lose sleep over that, its the left out AGAIN, feeling. The he is going to yet another exotic place, with his work husband to celebrate MY VALENTINE'S Day! While I stay home and take care of everything, so he can sit on another beach and become engaged in a new novel, while ordering umbrella drinks!(I sound a little bitter, now don't I).I told you this is my whiny, pilots wife, self destructive behavior. But its my blog and I'll whine if I want too!ha ha .
But, once in awhile , it really bugs me. Then I feel guilty that it bugs me!
At a time when I should just be thanking my lucky stars he has a job, because I know there are many pilots out there unemployed, I should not be feeling like this. Logically in my head I know this, but I still can't help my feelings. I was hoping to get feed back from any other pilot wives , to know if any one else sometimes struggles with this? I hope I am not the only one, although I don't wish for any of you to feel this way, but if I am than I am the most self-cenetered, selfish, self-destructive pilot wife out there!

Happy 6th Birthday Nolan!

At 6:45 am on February 4, 2003 my little boy was born. I remember the day like yesterday. He came out butt first and as soon as they turned him around, he peed right into the doctor's face! (And you can bet this is one of his favorite stories!) The doctor says,"Yep, it's a boy alright!"

And our lives have never been the same!

Happy 6th Birthday Nolan! We love you and are so happy that we were chosen to be your parents.

You Can Ring My Bell

This past week, I have been held hostage in my house by two very sweet, sick children. It has been one of the longest weeks of my life. They both have suffered from very high(103.3) fevers, cough,croup and congestion. It has been one of those weeks. On the positive side, my laundry is all caught up, the house is sparkly clean, the garage is reorganized! When you can't leave your house, its amazing how much can get done.
So, as I was cleaning out the garage I found this little bell that was in a box I was going through. It was intact and if you pushed on the middle black button, it lets out a ding, ding, ding. I took that bell into my bedroom, where my kids were camped out during the day. I told them, now instead of screaming for mommy when you need me (their voices were scratched up from coughing so hard) just ring this bell and I will come in to see what you need. Big mistake.You know where this is going, right?
Every second I hear a ding, ding, ding, I go into the room. "what do you need", Regan "I need my cup with water mommy.", "Okay, Nolan do you need anything while I am here?" "No, mommy I am fine.", I go get water for Regan filling the cup only half way so it won't be spilled in my bed, smiling to myself that this is going to work out just fine.
I walk into the room, and hand her the water. Leave room. Sit down to work on my computer. Ding, ding, ding. I go into the room. Nolan,"Mommy I need my cup with water now.", "Why didn't you ask me when I was getting your sister water?" Nolan, "Because I wanted to ring the bell." I go and proceed to get him waterin the same fashion as Regan,I half way fill his cup too. This goes on all day, I hear ding, ding, ding and if my response isn't fast enough, it would only get louder, Louder and LOUDER!
They never wanted anything at the same time, and they relished in the idea that I was at their beck and call for all their needs, regardless how small. These sweet, little children who were deathly sick were about to get it from me. I was trying to be patient, and kind, and compassionate, but they were really pushing me to my limits. The endless summons, the needs, and wants, the questions, the whining, were all driving me crazy. I finally took the bell from them and hid it. I told them I didn't know what happened to it when they asked. I realized my sweet, little, sick babies were taking advantage of me and they liked the power of that bell! I on the other hand was exhausted trying to keep cups full, tummies rubbed and channels changed (yes, they would call me in to change the TV channel!)
This of course got me thinking, about my own bell. The one I ding, ding, ding, daily when I call on my heavenly father. Constantly ringing it, asking for something, and then later ringing it again to ask for more. I realize that God gives each of us our very own bell to ring whenever we choose, how ever many times we need to ring it. He wants us to ring it, he waits for us to ring it, he welcomes the sound!
Then, unlike me, he does not get frustrated with the small, some times, insignificant request I make, he does not get aggravated with my needs, he does not get irritated with me or lose his temper. He does not wonder."What now?", "You again?", no, my God is more patient, more compassionate, and more generous than me.He hears every request made, not just mine, but all his children. I am so blessed that he would never take my bell and hide it, but that he always leaves it within reach, it is always available to me.
At times in my life I have chosen to not ring my bell, I have been careless with it, lost it,or misplaced it. At times, I have taken advantage of my bell, and dinged it for every thing, wanting my needs met instantly (like Regan and Nolan this week), and at times, I have thrown that bell against the wall and left it behind. Only to go desperately searching for it later.
Not this time, this time I am going to keep this bell that I found out in my garage in plain view, not for the kids to abuse, but to remind all of us that whenever we need to, we can ring our God given bell and cry out to him, with all our needs, wants, desires, and concerns. Confidently knowing that he will hear the ding, ding, ding, loud and clear. The bell that he has given us is a welcoming, precious sound to his ears. He will faithfully answer whatever we ask, in his perfect time, and he will always be there to fill our cup, not half way so we can't spill it, but all the way to the top.

Destination

Nolan likes to show things to me that he is working on, or building. But, he likes to lead me to them, because he really enjoys the element of surprising me.
Today, he grabbed my hand and said "Mommy I want to show you something, close your eyes, take my hand and I will lead you there".
As I closed my eyes, I had fight the urge to peek, as he is watching me closely. He leads me, the longest way possible, sometimes forgetting to tell me the direction for me to go, causing me to bump into this wall, or stub a toe on that one. Sometimes I can feel myself, even with my eyes closed, trying to pull him along, because I know the direction. But,when I really listen to him, and pay attention to where he leads, I find that I get to the destination smoothly, and without too many scrapes.
When we arrive, he tells me to "open your eyes", and when I do,the first thing I see is his smiling face,as he stands beside me beaming with pride, at something he made just for me, that he wants me to share with him, and to tell him how awesome it is.You can not help, but get caught up in his enthusiasm for a tower of Lego's, or a picture painted diarrhea brown!
I think about how often this is so much like my faith. I want to walk straight, and come to my finish line with the least amount of bumps and bruises, only to find out, that I was walking with my eyes wide open and still slammed into that wall that was right in front of me.
I wonder if I close my eyes more, and rely not on myself, but more on my faith, if that is when I will come to my destination unscathed.
But, in my true fashion, as when Nolan is leading, I have to take a peek every now and then, to make sure that I am still in control, that I am still in charge of where I am going. I have to venture off course, thinking it will be a shortcut, to later find out I took the back roads. I have to fight my natural state to take over and allow God to be the leader, and do the guiding.
I need to close my eyes more, walk by my faith and not by my sight, and know that he will only lead me down a path of righteousness, maybe than and only than will my bruises and bumps heal, and maybe that is how faith grows. By trusting in the one you are allowing to lead, listening to the directions you are to go in, staying on course even when you have doubts.
For myself, I often get off course, I make lots of wrong turns, I try to always stay in control, and I have scars and wounds that were unnecessary.
So Maybe, God is saying to me now, "I have something to show you, take my hand, close your eyes,and I will lead you there" and if I choose to obey and let him take control, and if I choose to let him lead me to where he is taking me, and if I fight my human urge to take a peek,or go in my own direction, I will open my eyes at my destination and see my Heavenly Father staring down at me, smiling proudly just for me and saying."Well done".

Another Reason Why I Love Home School!

Me: Regan, what do you want to do today?
Regan: I was thinking of writing a report on Ramses the Great and then making a pyramid out of sugar cubes?
Me: okay.I was thinking about going shopping at Kohl's. But your plan works too.
Regan.: Thanks mommy, I can't wait to learn more about this pharaoh I am sooooooooooo excited!

Happy Blogversary!

Today markes my one year blogversary! Last year I decided to start a blog so that I would have a place to write my own thoughts, ideas, or just plain vent! (if you get a chance you can read that first article again). It has been a great experience.
I have learned new things about myself and I have found a creative side that I never knew I had in me.
This blog has brought me much joy, and at times much stress! I have met new virtual friends, have been supported by my old friends and family.and through it all I have discovered that near or far, we all have more in common with each other, than we care to admit.
I have loved getting comments, advice and sometimes even heckles from my readers. I have pissed you all off, made you all laugh, cry, and hopefully think.
I have learned that words,when used as a weapon, often hurt worse than a physical blow. With one word , you can destroy someones faith, or their reputation. And yet, the use of one simple word can bring encouragement, joy, and hope. I have also found out how dangerous our words can become, and than later be used against us, or thrown back up in our faces.
In this last year I have increased my vocabulary, and improved on my spelling, but the most important thing I have learned this last year, is that I am more than a mother or wife, I am a woman who has something to say, and there are a few crazy people who actually want to listen! Thanks to all my readers out there, for reading my words, I promise to try and use them wisely!

Routine

The holidays are over, the lights and decorations are put away for another year and I couldn't be HAPPIER! Yes, I had a great Christmas and New Year's, but enough is enough. I am so ready to resume to my every day routine. I enjoy the holidays as much as the next person, but I really enjoy the simplicity of my life.
I am ready to get back to dinner on the table at a reasonable time, the kids in bed by 830pm , and I am even ready for Bob to get back in the sky!
Bob and I are telling Nolan's school this month that we have decided to home school him next year, and I couldn't be happier with our decision. It will be tricky with a 6th grader and a first grader, but I am ready for the challenge. In my spare time I have been researching first grade curriculum and reading as much as I can on teaching a little boy. The hardest part in all of this is waiting until next August for the new school year to begin!
I am back at the gym, and my ladies group begins this week. I have decided to do another triathlon in March, and then possibly the Danskin in May. I am trying to stay motivated so that I will complete my half marathon this year. So everything, is settling back into its rightful place, in my own little corner of the world, on my quiet street here in O town.